Going around in circles

[25yearsmlc]

I understand "letting go," Angel. It still doesn't mean you drop your own personal boundaries. I'll give you just one example, from my own experience:

Even after I decided to file for DIVORCE from my wife, when she refused to end her affair (talk about "letting go" -- this was the ULTIMATE "letting go"), I still would not tolerate her talking to (or texting) her OM in front of me, or our kids, nor calling him from our marital home. She respected the boundary.

Did it "affect" me when she did that? Well, sure, but only to the extent that it made ME feel like crap that I would allow MYSELF (or my kids) to be treated so disrespectfully. I had already given up feeling personal sadness over it, or any illusions of "winning her back" -- I was done.

I just chafe when I see the "controlling" word thrown around these forums so loosely and, often, incorrectly. "You're too controlling!" is often nothing more than the rant of a wayward spouse, crying "I don't want to have any consequences for my poor behavior!" No, you cannot control another person, but you can ABSOLUTELY control how they treat US.

That's the distinction I was trying to make.

Starsky

I hear you Starsky...but for ME from where I sit

Angel's h and your w did NOT have the same events or affairs & I am making a distinction. I happen to believe Angel's h is one of the unusual ones who did not 'cosummate" the affair, given various cultural and professional factors in their situation. Plus, I agree with her assessment that his needs were not met by her for some time and he did try, in his way, to communicate that but she was too busy trying to get her own expecations met to notice. (Sorry if that stings Angel-I don't mean it to)

And, I am not one to lump all EAs and PAs in the same pile

just as I think SOME LBSers play more of a role in the WASs choice to leave than others.

Sure-we all know-There are some jerks/serial cheaters and selfish idiots who leave a decent marriage

b/c they don't want to deal with 3 young kids in diapers...or face financial mistakes that cost them too much...or b/c they are bored! Or depressive!

and

There are some LBSers who practically shove their spouses into the arms of OW--
only to bitterly complain FOR LIFE, about "the betrayal of it all" and play victim...

(I'm not saying you do this Angel--)

but for instance I have a neighbor who has with-held sex from her h for 4 years now...(??!!!??)

for the life of me, I have to wonder what SHE is thinking. IF he has an affair and she comes to ME to complain

I will for sure ask her what the heck she was expecting...

even though I think her h would still be wrong, TO ME

he'd hardly be in the same boat as the guy who simply doesn't feel like dealing w/diapers and sleep deprivation & would rather dump that on the mother of his kids while he parties....

does that distinction make any sense to you?

I say it b/c I see too many folks just lumping them (affairs) all together and it seems unfair and unwise.

Plus- it deflects from our own personal work which is all we control.