New to DB

[25yearsmlc]

By the way, even as you reject the spouse that is having an A on you, you need to come to a DEEP understanding of your role in the breakdown of your M. What behaviors of yours need to be addressed with 180s changes. You want to revise these no matter what, not in order to get your spouse back (that would be a nice side effect), but because it's the right thing to do for yourself and future relationships (with your WAS or someone else).



just to clarify for me, bustorama may I assume you mean "repair" when you say "revise", right? I don't mean to quibble with this word but it's b/c the walk away spouses and sometimes the left behind spouses REVISE or rewrite their marital history,

= (the WAS says the "m all sukked" and the LBSer says "it was all great") so I just wanted to highlight that word for the newbie...if others mention revising marital history that is what we usually mean...


Also, the A is not justified even if you have not been the best spouse, don't blame yourself for it, your WAS could have talked to you about his unhappiness/issues rather than going outside the M.

I am not disagreeing with this^^^ but would like to add my own perspective or .02 and toss it in the pot.

To ME, imho, too many LBSers point at an affair and blame the end of a long term marriage and family life ALL on an affair and it's very rarely the deathknell of the marriage on its' own.

That does not mean it's okay to have an affair but it does mean that I see too many people blame it "all on the cheater" as if something like that happens in a vacuum. There are SOME people who are serial cheaters and who lie well enough to fool the smartest among us.

But for most marriages that end in an affair, other problems loomed long before.

AND if you only stare at the affair as THE cause, you learn very little about how to improve yourself or your life. That's my main point. You can't do a thing about an affair

but you sure can work on YOU and becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

An affair is a deeply wounding event. We all get that. Some of us cannot ever get past that, even if we think that maybe down deep we nudged our spouse into the arms of the other person...

we just can't wrap our brains around the idea of reconciling and restoring a marriage...in our visions of the future with our spouses, SOME of us cannot truly imagine ever trusting again or feeling close or opening our hearts again. If you are in those shoes, think hard about whether you can change. If you cannot, don't stick around for misery...

But there are those who want the wayward spouse to want to come back, even though the LBSer knows they won't or can't forgive....what a waste for both...

so, if you do not think you can ever get past this and or, you lack the skills to know how---figure this out asap b/c it's done.

AND OR

if your husband thinks you won't ever get past it....it's done.

so that leaves you with the possibility of getting past it...

and therein lies the challenge.

Can you forgive? Even before your spouse asks you to? (The answer is yes b/c 1) the spouse may never ask or seek forgiveness but 2) forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

you already know the pain of simply imagining them together "gloating" (highly unlikely, btw)

and so you know that the more YOU wonder or feel things like that, the worse YOU feel.

Holding onto anger to hurt the other person is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

You forgive so you can let go of the anger and pain that can consume YOUR LIFE and take you away from your childeren and your own new future.

For now, that's all I want to say b/c you are probably being overwhelmed. But please don't "skim" the Div Remedy book.

really really read it.

FINAL NOTE--a short true story...

my neighbors growing up included a military family. The dad was a Colonel who'd been a POW in Vietnam for 7 years and was a real hero. He was handsome and witty and fun.

He also had an affair years before they moved into our neighborhood.

How did I know this? b/c WE ALL KNEW b/c his wife made sure we all did...

she was a bitter woman, w/5 children who adored, or wanted to adore, their father. (That seemed unfair to her)

When we asked him stories about Vietnam or how he got thru 7 YEARS of being a POW - she'd cut the stories short.

At first I really thought she was protecting him but now I know she was preventing him from any shining in the light.

She deeply resented him & his betrayal. But for the life of me I always wondered why she didn't simply let him go if she wasn't going to forgive him.

You could see his efforts w/his family and his love for them at dinner and at events, and then you'd hear her sniping ways.

I was only 19 but From where I and my siblings sat, SHE was the bad guy person and he was the victim.

My point?

You have choices when confronted with an affair.

What I KNOW is that my neighbor made the wrong choice b/c she chose

to stay married - but to be miserable.

She held that affair over his head the rest of his life, like the sword of Damacles...she threw it in his face every time they fought.

TODAY the father is dead, and of their 5 children, (1 boy and 4 girls) ALL been divorced at least once, 3 twice, ...and only 1 is married now, 30 years later.

some legacy.

Instead, she could have chosen to forgive, and they'd have been given a legacy of forgiveness, committment and redemption.

choose wisely...