dammit, Meredith, I just wrote this huge post, which proceeded to get lost as my computer locked up.
Anyway, first of all, thanks for the words. You are totally right, and I realized that I am becoming a broken record lately. That is not who I want to be, so it will end. Forgive me if I backslide occasionally. I just played that record SO MANY TIMES it is hard to get used to life without it. I don't want any more bumps on my head from hitting those damn trees. I had a bit of a revelation of my own last night. It is probably a good thing that I lost my last post, as we know how wordy I can be. Now I don't feel like going thru the whole story, so I will offer it up this way: Last night H made the comment, "I like to make you happy." (By the way, yes, I almost fell out of the bed- I'm sure you were wondering.) It came after a silly conversation in which I thanked him for playing Scrabble with me the other night. The thing was, he was so sincere. And I realized something very important:
We did not get into this mess because he did not care about me. He has always cared. I can see now that he had no way of making me happy. I also see that you don't just keep plugging away trying to help someone- eventually you give up because whatever you're doing is just falling on deaf ears anyway. (I KNOW you can relate to this!!!) Now, he is peeking out from behind the wall I forced him behind, and he is seeing that I can be happy. He's liking it! It makes him feel better about himself too. Why shouldn't it? He felt awful when I was miserable.
This "not caring" stuff has really struck a chord with me. I can't believe how I misinterpreted so much. Kind of like the whole depression vs. not thinking about the family thing...you know?
