In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

I had to cut that short and get out of db because my boys swooped in and asked for dinner.

Cat04, I'm trying to figure out what you're looking for from me.

I'm well aware that I'm not doing well. I'm sub-par at work, at home, a little distracted with the kids, comforting myself in lots of ways. I could have an emotional breakdown but it would hurt a lot of other people as well as myself and would definitely not move me toward repairing my relationship, so I will not. I will be as strong as I need to be, as stoic as is necessary. At the same time, I'm learning to use resources to help and I'm learning to be vulnerable and to feel emotions I used to bury. I am doing a lot for myself but I have no choice but to be there for my kids and my job. I have to, and I have to enjoy it, and I do. But I also see no alternative that is acceptable to me.

So, I did have a bit of a cry and I did explore my feelings about the fact that H left at 7:30 tonight saying "I'm going over to [friend's] for dinner, and I'll probably stay the night, so I'll be home in the morning before work." I said "ok!" but later let myself feel rejected, sorry for my kids, resentful of h. In a normal time I would have had no problem with that, but two nights in a row and given our situation, I guess he's working up toward physical separation, which will mean telling the kids, which will mean seeing them cry over their dad leaving, which will hurt.