In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Hi Cat04, thanks for all the very good questions. Thanks Accuray and Say, for stopping by and saying nice things!

Cat04, my first reaction to all your questions and most others, is why you're wrong about this or that detail. One of my 180s has been to listen more and answer less, and I practice it when I get a chance, and notice when I do it. So, thanks for the practice!

I have a quiet kind of joy and a mellow kind of fun. You're not often going to find me out raising he!! in a bar, and I'm not usually the most exuberant in a crowd. I'm more of a one on one kind of person. I found it scary getting out last weekend to meet new friends (new? I've known them going on a year now) unbeknownst to my H. Based on his job I have need to be paranoid for his and my kids' safety. So, scary. But fun and exciting, and energizing, and great to catch up live and in person with my buddies. I've also had some wonderful trips to visit other friends in PA and VA, and am enjoying giving myself a break from my responsibilities to do that. Joy to me is chatting across a fire, and I do that as much as possible. Even have one of my own on the patio. Joy to me is hearing the birds on a walk, watching the sun set and being out in nature. I'm doing that as much as possible.

Why don't I cry? I'm holding it together because we made a mutual decision not to involve our kids in this yet. Since I'm the major caretaker, I'm not crying most of the time. But I did begin to let some of it out on my walk today, and since it's dark out here on the porch I'm letting the tears fall now too. When I'm out with friends I'm not crying because I want to have fun and be happy, and I am. Something about my T's office gets me crying most weeks, by the end of the session. So I will recognize the truth in what you say and not feel bad about feeling sad sometimes. Just, most of the time really I don't feel sad.

Also, I am in denial. I really can't imagine that my H is going to divorce me, even though he says he is. It won't seem real until it happens. I ask you, what's the harm in enjoying the current moments, which are good, when what's around the corner is still around the corner?

Do you really think all things in a relationship need to be shared? Do we both need to scrub each toilet? Do we both need to cook dinner? It sounds facetious, but as two working parents of two kids, we divided things up. Different couples do things differently, but we divided along our strong points. I did most of the childcare, he did more of the wage-earning, I did/do 99% of the cooking and washing up, he does the laundry. He does the car maintenance and yard work. I'm in charge of any gardens or decoration, as well as holiday decorations. He does the investing and money management and pays the bills, I do the doctor's appointments and education. To us that makes sense, and to my closest friends it has been that way - my parents too. If I have a scrap of time left at the end of the day, I don't want to spend it worrying about investments. It's a necessary evil, like scrubbing toilets, which I have been happy to avoid so far but will face out of necessity. But I do like how you reframe it as taking care of myself; I'll adopt that attitude. I did recently get my car inspected and oil changed while H was out of town and it was OK - I got a nice 3-mile walk in drop-off and pick-up. I guess I'm just wondering if this division-of-labor instead of sharing of responsibility-sharing is part of how we lost our connection. There are other things I thought were fundamental truths about relationships that I was wrong about; wonder if this is another.

Why I want to be someone to 'come back to' - my H raised legitimate gripes about me at the beginning of this, and claimed that they were among the reasons he was walking away. Since he's walking away not just from me but also from his two boys, I feel it's essential to do everything in my power to make it possible for him to change his mind about this. I want him to come back, very much. If he does not, well, I'll be the better for having improved myself.