I also want to comment on what Labug said -- yes, it is not good to rely upon H to validate you, or in his absence to date someone else so that person can validate you. It's obviously better if you can self-validate (thus my comment about consciously avoiding low value statements and always trying to make high-value ones)
That said, companionship is something that humans "need", so obviously it's not realistic to be 100% self-validating. Like many things in life, it's a tradeoff, SOME of your validation MUST come from yourself, but I don't think it's realistic to expect to get NONE from anyone else.
The trap that many people fall into is having a reflected sense of self, or deriving their entire self-worth from the reaction of their spouse. It's not good to live there, but it's not good to be a hermit on the other end of the spectrum either, who needs nothing from anybody.
I'm going to say this, and it's probably controversial on the DB board, but I did feel better by talking to women who I considered to be friends when I was at my worst. Now obviously you have to be careful and realistic -- you don't want to start an EA with a married person, and you don't want to give a single person the wrong idea if you're just looking for some connection and they are looking for a serious relationship. If you do know someone, however, where you can keep it completely platonic, they understand and you understand, then I think it can be helpful to forge that connection. Sure it's a crutch, and sure it can lead to trouble, you just need to go into it eyes-wide-open.
It worked for me, and I do have to tell you it felt good to have other women telling me I am a good husband, and that I did not deserve to be cheated on. Ironically, the women I spoke to were more angry at my W's behavior than my male friends were.
I share this with you knowing full well that it's controversial, may be non-DB, but also that it did help to get me through.
In terms of my sitch (since you asked ) it's going ok. Ironically once I had done a 180 on all W's bomb complaints, it turns out she didn't want the 180's she thought she wanted. You reach an equilibrium in a relationship for a reason -- there are personality and interpersonal forces that pull you there, and the cycles become self-reinforcing. That "place" has a strong pull in our relationship, and to stay away from it takes effort. I'm still committed to making that effort. My "love language" is words of affirmation, and W has told me that it makes her feel badly to "speak" that love language, so she's not going to do it. That puts me in a tough spot, as when other women speak that language to me, it makes me feel really good and makes the relationship look less attractive by contrast. I can see this happening to me when it happens.
My challenge is to accept that W will not speak that language, and as Labug suggests, find ways to need it less.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
) it's going ok. Ironically once I had done a 180 on all W's bomb complaints, it turns out she didn't want the 180's she thought she wanted. You reach an equilibrium in a relationship for a reason -- there are personality and interpersonal forces that pull you there, and the cycles become self-reinforcing. That "place" has a strong pull in our relationship, and to stay away from it takes effort. I'm still committed to making that effort. My "love language" is words of affirmation, and W has told me that it makes her feel badly to "speak" that love language, so she's not going to do it. That puts me in a tough spot, as when other women speak that language to me, it makes me feel really good and makes the relationship look less attractive by contrast. I can see this happening to me when it happens.