So today I realized I wasted a day beating myself up over 1 text and a 2 minute phone conversation after 2 weeks of great non-pursuit and seeing amazing results. including that inperson convo only 24 hours ago.
I now can see a pattern that when I get a good interaction, I'm at my most vulnerable in keeping the 180s and continuing to give him space. Usually it's small...ie he texts me and I have to take a deep breath and not make my response over the top or something like that.
As excited as I was about Saturday night in a "hey look this tunnel DID have cheese" way, what I didn't completely understand was the vulnerability that came with it. Which then led to me over reacting to him taking an item from the garage.
As much as I like the response that non-pursuit gives me from H, I have to remember that I do it not just for the response and hopefully reconsideration it gets from him, but that foremost it's for ME: my protection, my stability, and giving me a tiny bit of control in the only thing I can control MY REACTIONS in this uncertain situation.
yesterday when I was warned about expectations, I thought oh I don't have any expectations about how he'll act the next time I see him. but expectations don't just show up in the literal tit for tat sense but sometimes in strange ways like my silly worries about an item I didn't want anyway.
So lesson learned from all this...for advancement that happens in our R, I have to be careful that I safeguard against vulnerabilities and fears surfacing in other ways.
The easy route is to walk away again. To say a big F U to H, convince myself that I could meet someone better, make a list of everything that's wrong with him and use that every time I meet someone else...that would be easy. Being vulnerable, confronting why I get scared, learning to live with uncertainty in my life, being okay not being in control..these are all new concepts to me and I'm committed to becoming better in all these areas
