It's hard to stomach, but I feel like I am doing the right thing. It's just a conflict because you live your life for the most part thinking that the "right" thing never hurts anyone.....particularly someone that you love. It is hard for me to not respond - but I am doing my best to stick to it.
I suppose I am just cringing inside because I know the moment is coming when I get accused of all sorts of things like using the baby, looking out for MY interests and not his...somehow I know in her eyes I will be the villain in all of this.
I know this process as a whole is not easy for her....she has said as much. But I think I have done too much to make it easier which seems to work against any hope of working on marriage - even after divorce. It hurts, you're right GM. It hurts like hell and there is a lot that you miss - a lot that just passes you by. It has already happened in these last several months. But I always have been flexible and accommodating in terms of helping her not miss the baby when I have him....at least I think so.
I keep flip-flopping between these moments where I think "good, let HER have the angst for awhile", vs. "how can you let her hurt like this?" - I go from bravado to sadness again and again.
Being the accommodating one got me nothing in this except being called manipulative and distrustful....how?! So I am trying a different track.
More than anything, I just hope that I get to feeling better. Right now, not so much - but many it will get easier over time.
