Needing some guidance... 3

[jks]

I know what you're saying, Labug. I am putting a lot of focus on H because I am missing him in a major way. I have had our kids for 3 straight weeks with hardly any breaks at all. These are the times that I long for adult interaction, especially with my H. It hurts to hear of him having the time of his life and spending every waking moment with OW when I'm here taking care of our 3 children and trying to keep my head above water.

I would love to have something... anything. It has just been hard lately with having my kids so much and not having a lot of time for me. It has been stressing me out a lot. So I'm grateful for the break for the next couple of days.

I hate it because OW doesn't even compare when it comes to our kids. She has no idea how real life is with them and what really is involved with being there for them 24/7. My H knows this and yet he still seems to think that I lack so much. I have A LOT of responsibilities with them there is no doubt about that.

And it hurts a lot to know that I carried these babies, I went through pregnancy, having the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the hormonal changes, giving birth, postpartum depression, nursing, sleepless nights... the list goes on and on... I invested all this time and gave of myself to have this family for us. And now OW gets to swoop right in and take it all. She has done nothing except focus on herself and her career for all these years. She's independent and wonderful and fun and so therefore she is the greater prize to be had.

I just feel like I am worth nothing. H has made that very apparent with his behavior. Yes, I've made mistakes and I'm not proud of those things but all I ever wanted was a family. I lost myself and now I'm losing the person I loved the most in this whole world. Plus, the ability to have my kids all the time. Instead of having a family, I've gained heartache.

I want to GAL. I want to so badly, it's just that being a single mother takes more of my time than anything else. And on top of all of that... I have no money. So, yes, I have to get creative with the type of activities we do. I continue to feel very trapped.

Sorry for the pity party... this is just the kind of pain that I feel on a daily basis and I'm trying to let it go. But it isn't easy. These things hit me at my core, especially when it involves my children.

I just know that OW is pressuring my H to stay with her because she has to know that he is having second thoughts because he hasn't filed yet. If he wanted this, he would have done it already. I was also told that she was just waiting for one of the guys at work to become available so she could move right in and take her opportunity. She was so unhappy in her marriage and her way of getting attention from guys at work was to continually text them about random things on a regular basis. Well, it worked!

And, no, I'm not saying that my H and I had issues because of her but the timing was absolutely ridiculous. My H and I were taking a break. And she took advantage of that. She filed for D and moved down the street from my H only a month after we separated. We had no chance from the get go.

Everyone has marriage problems. Some worse than others, but when you involve a third party, the chances of things getting better are even slimmer. And she's not just a fling. She is his best friend on top of being his lover. I want to believe that this is just a phase and that H will eventually come around, but part of me thinks that she may never let him go. She has the personality to hold on for dear life because she's been wanting to be with him for a long time.

This is why I feel having an OM could be the only thing to get me to really start to move on. Does it feel right? No. But sometimes it seems like the only answer to get me to stop looking at my H as the only one for me.

I know a lot of you would disagree. I'm just hurting right now.