In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

OT suggested I return my focus to me and not H's actions, but I tend to be prompted to come here and journal mostly when H does something, so it will appear I'm focusing on his actions. They do serve as mileposts along my journey so I have something to journal about my feelings in context.

I have been thinking more often about identifying and measuring my feelings. I had a sad moment and gave it about a 4 on a scale of 1-10, where I was below neutral but not far below. Just a little blue.

My T often brings up how sad it is that my H isn't willing to give our M a chance. She seems to be trying to prompt a reaction from me. I agree that it's sad. But I don't feel really sad most of the time because I do believe I'm doing what I can.

I'm releasing my anger and resentment, I'm focusing on myself and trying to improve myself. I'm communicating more clearly with him. I'm not pressuring him. I'm waiting. I'm being someone desirable to come back to. I'm taking care of my kids. I'm listening to him more carefully. I'm participating fully in counseling.

If in spite of everything that I can possibly do, he wants a D, then I don't want to cry about that. I want to make the best of it, take the best care of my kids, and turn lemons into lemonade.

Last night he stayed out all night. He had told me he was going to his friends' and then to a cookout at another friend's place. I wasn't terribly surprised to wake around 1am and not find him home. At 8am he came in still dressed up nice, with his mom and brother from the airport. H seemed a little bit nervous - he whipped out a pan and started making eggs, but MIL and BIL didn't stay so he just made one egg and cleaned the pan. I was in the kitchen so after the MIL and BIL left and while H was eating he told me about George's house just being ridiculous. It's huge. He's a single doctor and pretty much doesn't even live in the house, he lives more with his parents. His house is barely furnished or decorated but it huge and in a wealthy area. I just had little to respond to but was friendly, just asked a question or two about the house since H brought it up. H didn't share any other tidbits about the party or his friends. Then he went up to bed.

I notice H is very judgmental about other people, looking for something negative to say. Maybe the house it really nice, or maybe George makes so much money that it's a no-brainer for him to invest it in a big house, whatever. The adjective H came home with was "ridiculous." I feel a little sad that he's not more proud of his friends or happy at their good fortune, but he tends to pick out a criticism more than anything. He did that about me too.

Back to me. I did good detachment, both real in my head and expressed to H. I was friendly, busy, and uninterested in his night out. I'm working this morning on developing a hike itinerary - a friend and I have a weekend blocked off for our first backpacking trip and I thought this is a nice day to start planning. I'm enjoying a cool breeze and a hot cup of coffee on my screened porch with my two lazy dogs draped over the wicker furniture like a Dali painting. It's a gorgeous day out and I have more things I'd like to do than time to do them.

In the next month or so I would like to schedule a sit-down with a financial planner to take a look at the financial aspects of my business, home, and potential separation, retirement savings, etc. These are things I delegated to my H because he likes money stuff and is good at it, but now we'll both have to like and be good at it. I hate duplicating effort, but it looks necessary.

I hope you all are having a nice Sunday.