So here is what I learned from my H in MC about that...
Because I did not stand up to him and tell him I won't tolerate this, it actually perpetuated his behavior more, and it increased his lying and his justification to continue keeping his secret going as he felt he had no one holding him accountable and, here's the big one....
He felt like he was safe to continue his fantasy and his lies because he didn't believe **** that i would actually leave him*** and set off for a life of my own. He did not see me that strong, but he was wrong.
He saw me as weak, and he admitted that clearly to me. And man, hearing that really felt bad. I don't want anyone to see me like that.
What attracted my h back to me?
This is what he told me .....
When I stood up to him and said, "I will not have this. You cannot communicate with her and be with me, period. You cannot see her, cannot work with her, all of it must be cut off or that is it".
Bam.
BINGO. I hear this all . . . the . . . time on marriage forums. It is what works, and it's very consistent with DBing. In fact, I consider it like "DBing+" in that you still have to do the 180s, the GAL, and figure out your own role in the pre-affair marital dysfunction, and you still have to begin making yourself into that better person, whether it's for THIS marriage or for some future relationship if this one doesn't work out.
Other than pure abject FEAR, I don't understand the resistance to this approach, because it serves a dual purpose -- both of them GOOD:
1. It improves YOU and makes you feel better about yourself; and
2. It's ATTRACTIVE to your wayward spouse, giving you the best chance at drawing them back to work on the marriage.
Yes, you likely will see some short-term blowback, just as you did, Ctflor, and you have to steel yourself for that. But even during THAT, I found that I felt sooooo much better about myself for learning to stand up for my own integrity!
