First and foremost my children are my first and main priority. They deserve none of what they got in this sitch. I feel for them.
As for looking my best at all times. Its part of the 37 rules but most importantly I just feel good when I know I look good. Its a small ego boost. I am also learning to enjoy being a girl for a change. I am a tomboy.
As for changing me at my core. I am going to both IC and MC alone. Learning to be a better person and W. My family deserves someone who isn't selfish as I behaved. I had troubles opening up to my H. I couldn't ask for what I wanted from my H. I talked to others when I should have been talking to him. Now I attempt to talk to him. He is just unresponsive. Yes I disregarded him and our M. I was hurt and angry at him and instead of talking with him I talked to someone else. I allowed that person into our M when I shouldn't have. I regretted my decision to stray from the moment I did it. I have to deal with it all. I spent many hours trying to figure out why I would hurt the man I love. I just expected my H to know what I needed in our M. I now now I was looking for perfection in myself, him and our M. I now no that there is no such thing as perfection. I am hoping he lets me back into his life as his W. I want to show him how much I have learned in all this. I am better able to open up. I am able to speak up for myself now. As far as making him angry, he does anger fast. He has a short fuse, he is also working on that part of him. I just hated to see him angry. I hated making him mad so I avoided the difficult conversations we needed to have. I just didn't talk to him at all.
My A did nothing for me. I hated it and actually cried as it was happening and everyday after. I hated who I was at that point. I was at my lowest and I am learning more and more about myself and my M everyday. I am not a bad person and did a horrible thing. Its something I have to learn to forgive myself for. My kids have forgiven me as we have those difficult conversations now.
For many years my husband did not say nice things to me. He would say things like "Since you gained weight I am no longer attracted to you." And "I'm 30 years old and I have nothing I have ever wanted in my life." Instead of telling him that those hurt me I withdrew from him. When I finally told him he expected forgiveness without realizing how those hurt me. He did start saying nice things to me but I had already disengaged. Again my fault.
I am not on FB our S is and he logs in on my computer. He left in logged in and I saw it then. I got rid of it when I realize how evil it can be.
I am working on being the best person I can be. I am working on myself at all times. I decided that my kids and myself deserve it. I am not in a R nor am I looking at this point. My kids deserve a parent who focuses on them and not another at this point and that is what I am doing.
I have to learn to love the person I am forced to become. I dont want to be a divorcee. So I have to learn to love the single person I am forced to be. I am going to love me again.
I look at all aspects of my M; the good and the bad. I would trade any of it for anything in the world.
