I know your outing is over and that you did great, so good for you! For future reference, however, change the tune. Maybe say "I'm going to have a great time with D and focus on her because she deserves it."
The hair and the heels and the perfume are all well and good, but to be perfectly honest they're superficial. They will not bring your marriage back.
What are you doing to change you at your core? To change the way you make choices, or react to stress and anxiety in your life, or ask for what you need?
What are you doing to improve your self esteem? To grow as a person? To make YOUR LIFE rewarding FOR YOU?
Do you understand why you chose to step out on your marriage (depression is a context, not a reason)? Why did you feel it was appropriate to do that? Did you not think about the impact on your H and your kids? Were you fulfilled? (These are difficult questions, and I'm not being nasty; just encouraging you to turn over all the stones if you haven't already.)
Why do you want to go back to a marriage in which you could make such a choice? Why do you think your H would want to? (My H cheated and I forgive him (for me) but I grapple with that question...why would I want to reconcile with someone who showed complete disregard for me? I know the changes I'd have to see in him but I won't discuss it with him until he tells me he wants to talk about our R. I'm eight months into it and have no idea what's up with OW, and I don't care.)
You mentioned that you hated to make him angry. Does he have a problem with anger? If he does, why would you want to go there? A relationship where one person has to pussy foot around so as not to anger the other is BAD BAD BAD.
You mentioned responding to positive reinforcement from OM. Did your H not say nice things to you? Why not? Did you tell him you needed that? What other needs were not being met in your M?
As for Facebook....get off it. SO MANY PEOPLE get stuck because they're on Facebook either looking for crumbs from their spouse or responding to crap the homewreckers are posting or getting drawn into adolescent drama around their M, etc, etc. It won't break your life to deactivate for a while or forever. First thing I did after BD is deactivate, and H isn't even on Facebook. There's just WAY TOO MUCH NOISE!
The best thing you can do for you and your kids is to look deep inside and find your strength.
It's perfectly normal to read into what our WAS does and to focus on what they're doing, how they're living, who they're with, especially early on. Often we have the time to obsess about them because we don't have enough going on in our own lives. It's a trap, as is reading into every single little thing they do. Many of us do it even months after BD. Some get stuck there still. It's not helpful so don't even start. Let it go.
DBing is about YOU being the best person you can be FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS. Make your lives as positive and beautiful as you can. Forget about your H for now, except with regards to your D and finances.
IF your H happens to come back tomorrow, next month, next year, unless YOU make changes in YOURSELF you will in all likelihood repeat the relationship dynamic that brought you to this place.
What do you mean by this? 2.) I will accept myself for [b]who I am forced to become[/].
As for this: 4.) I will stop focusing on all the wrongs I did in our R and start remembering all the good things we had. Take an emotional step back from things and have a good, hard OBJECTIVE look at your R.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
First and foremost my children are my first and main priority. They deserve none of what they got in this sitch. I feel for them.
As for looking my best at all times. Its part of the 37 rules but most importantly I just feel good when I know I look good. Its a small ego boost. I am also learning to enjoy being a girl for a change. I am a tomboy.
As for changing me at my core. I am going to both IC and MC alone. Learning to be a better person and W. My family deserves someone who isn't selfish as I behaved. I had troubles opening up to my H. I couldn't ask for what I wanted from my H. I talked to others when I should have been talking to him. Now I attempt to talk to him. He is just unresponsive. Yes I disregarded him and our M. I was hurt and angry at him and instead of talking with him I talked to someone else. I allowed that person into our M when I shouldn't have. I regretted my decision to stray from the moment I did it. I have to deal with it all. I spent many hours trying to figure out why I would hurt the man I love. I just expected my H to know what I needed in our M. I now now I was looking for perfection in myself, him and our M. I now no that there is no such thing as perfection. I am hoping he lets me back into his life as his W. I want to show him how much I have learned in all this. I am better able to open up. I am able to speak up for myself now. As far as making him angry, he does anger fast. He has a short fuse, he is also working on that part of him. I just hated to see him angry. I hated making him mad so I avoided the difficult conversations we needed to have. I just didn't talk to him at all.
My A did nothing for me. I hated it and actually cried as it was happening and everyday after. I hated who I was at that point. I was at my lowest and I am learning more and more about myself and my M everyday. I am not a bad person and did a horrible thing. Its something I have to learn to forgive myself for. My kids have forgiven me as we have those difficult conversations now.
For many years my husband did not say nice things to me. He would say things like "Since you gained weight I am no longer attracted to you." And "I'm 30 years old and I have nothing I have ever wanted in my life." Instead of telling him that those hurt me I withdrew from him. When I finally told him he expected forgiveness without realizing how those hurt me. He did start saying nice things to me but I had already disengaged. Again my fault.
I am not on FB our S is and he logs in on my computer. He left in logged in and I saw it then. I got rid of it when I realize how evil it can be.
I am working on being the best person I can be. I am working on myself at all times. I decided that my kids and myself deserve it. I am not in a R nor am I looking at this point. My kids deserve a parent who focuses on them and not another at this point and that is what I am doing.
I have to learn to love the person I am forced to become. I dont want to be a divorcee. So I have to learn to love the single person I am forced to be. I am going to love me again.
I look at all aspects of my M; the good and the bad. I would trade any of it for anything in the world.
I have had a really good week. I am no longer breaking down. Amazing on my part. I still get sad at times but the crying and severe depression aren't as bad.
I have started going out more and just GAL. I'm not a bar fly but enjoying the things I used to do. Just enjoying being outside and soending time with my kids. I laugh more and I am smiling frequently and often.
I do not allow H to pick nor do I instigate an arguement. I have a fool proof method for redirecting myself in those situations. When he starts to pick or I feel one coming on I think of a phrase his GF wrote on his FB page and can't help but smile if not chuckle to myself. Its a WTF type of funny, very immature.
I have not asked my H what his plans for the kids were this weekend therefore not giving him the opportunity to lie about them again. He lies about it every weekend he has them. I just said I would like to see them at some point over the weekend for a few hours. I have to work 3rd shift all weekend (Fri-Tues).
I just overall feel really good about my sitch. I have not called him at all this week. I only text him once with a kids pic and once asking him if he needed anything special clothes wise for D for the weekend. He called instead of texting back; which would have been a lot easier in my opinion. He has initaitaed all conversastions and stopped by my house once for no reason.
I have in general just been a happier person since my decision to set my H free. The relief I feel has been amazing. I still miss my H and want more than anything to work this out. He knows how I feel; I am not chasing him any more.
Wow! Good for you! I'm really happy for you!!! I too have moments where I just crack up thinking of random things about his GF. Or ways that he is still bring immature, irresponsible, dependent, etc and just shake my head.
Those things he said must have really hurt your self esteem. Do some work on that to rebuild yourself!
On Mother's Day he was a real dick to me and wouldn't let me have the kids until 3 PM. I had a bad breakdown and posted some really negative stuff, he read that and then posted "Not not happy with myself right now." Of couse people were asking him why and what's up; but his GF posted and I quote " Cuz he's a silly monkey and ate a banana!! Lol!! Pay no attention to this and give him kudos and being amazing on Mothers Day!!!" WTF does that mean. Don't monkeys eat bananas? He's looking for sympathy not someone to dismiss his feelings. He picked a winner.
