Hi Rick - previously my WAW activity included a lot of going out, drinking, dancing, etc to not think about things. I've stopped drinking as much. My GAL activities have included - decorating the house...making the place something I love, working out/eating healthy (I've lost 40 pounds and weigh less than when we got married), doing more things yesterday went to a musical this week seeing a comedy show, cooking, gardening, etc. I'm not currently in counselling. I finished a short term goal oriented sessions with a IC and we finished with her saying I'd done a lot of work in empathy, learned a lot about myself in R and how I wanted any M to be, and that I should work on the friendship with H.
Thank you Adinva - looking back now that I've calmed down..it may not have been as bad as I thought. It is a backslide. But it's a far cry from some of my previous lash outs. In fact I was calm on the phone when I asked and he did seem to relax and start chatting about his parents. I don't think it brought me closer and that's the question that I should have asked myself earlier when I was considering whether or not I should mention it at all.
Don't get me wrong. I know I shouldn't have texted, shouldn't have called, shouldn't have brought her up after he'd given me an answer.
Is it closer to who I want to be? It's better than I was a few months ago, but not who I've been the past two weeks. So I will say no. Also I don't want to be the person who causes him conflict, drama, or confrontation. The person I want to be is Fun! Funny! Happy! Carefree!
In a crazytown sort of way, this horrible event makes me less anxious about seeing him Tuesday. Because that's what us control people do isn't it? We feel so nervous living in the uncertainity that we do something horrible so then we feel like it's been decided. I may have screwed it all up so now there's NO expectations. I think it's a big step to identify that I do that...sabotage.
