Wife says it's to far gone

[25yearsmlc]

every one who fears a PA has that same sick feeling. Every one of us.

You have to dig deep and learn some ways of coping with it and even some gimmicks, for the short run just to get you thru this hard horrible time.

Many of us pictured a "Stop Sign" in our minds when the ugly unproductive thoughts creeped in. See the STOP SIGN and STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT...

DERAIL IT AND REDIRECT IT....go get busy and if you can, do something that takes your MIND off it AND busies and tires your body. Exercise, going to theater (being IN theater) and whatever else can occupy your mind are all good ideas.

Do what you have to do to get past this initial reeling phase.

If you know for an undeniable fact that there's no way you - YOU - could get past this or forgive her for whatever may have happened...

then don't bother dragging it out. Leave now and be done.


But most of us, NOT ALL but most, find we can forgive more than we believed, if we want to. And if we learn how...we cannot hold an affair (of any sort) over a WAS head if there is to be a recon and they cannot fear we will...

I know I forgave more than I thought I should or could.

I had to LEARN how to forgive b/c I never saw it growing up.

It's a learned skill and it's NOT just about wanting the marriage to work out or to forgive the spouse (even if you don't think they "deserve" it).

It is truly really, I SWEAR-- about freeing yourself of the consuming pain that jealousy and betrayal can create in US, not them.

Holding onto that pain, b/c you don't think they deserve you letting go of it, only and truly hurts YOU.

Realize this^^^^....


"Staying angry at someone to punish them, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

When I realized how much my pain and anger were consuming ME, (not my h or anyone else)

just ME (OH AND my kids - b/c I wasn't fully present for them cuz my anger/pain so pre-occupied ME....

so they were losing 2 parents at once)

that realization helped me to learn to LET IT GO...

whatever you have no control over, isn't yours so let it go....remember that.

And taking control over what really belongs to you (which is just you)

simplifies your life and future, and when seen in the proper light;

is empowering. So take back your life and let the anger go...one day at a time.


My miracle-

We went on a 4 day trip w/h and our kids about 9 weeks before "Sep day" b/c he had a conference in Palm Springs. I did NOT want to go and felt h did not deserve that "pretense" that all was fine or well or that I was okay w/his plans to leave...

but my DB coach said it'd be good for the girls to go and have some good memories of family time.

Plus it'd give h something happy and fun- TO MISS...(b/c no one misses the pain and anger and guilt & fighting)

since it was only 4 days I felt I could probably do it.

Decided No matter what triggers or buttons were pushed, I would not be nasty.

I told myself I'd be frickin' Mother Teresa FOR FOUR DAYS...if that is what it took to not say one single negative....

B/C it was only for 4 days, I'm embarrassed to admit, I told myself "it's okay b/c you can be mad again next week! " and that actually got me motivated to make it for those four days.

(Hey I'm not proud of that,^^ but it's true...)

So NO criticism from me, regardless of snarky comments by h, or my perception of that or any irritabity from him, I, 25, would NOT be the one to break the internal truce I had made w/life...

no negatives were going to come from ME...for those 4 days.


Funny thing happened.

After only a day in the car, maybe 2, I began to see h in a better light b/c I forced myself to interpret things positively instead of negatively.

E.G., When h began teaching our d's something about botany, I didn't roll my eyes and think "h is such a nerd, AND monopolizing the conversation"...

instead I actually felt a little pride in the intelligence and education of the mate I'd chosen. (Who knew??)

And I worked on what I MYSELF could do to improve the moment or day...

THEN H began to feel happier and more relaxed and he got a lot less critical too....we had a really fun four days.

I think to this day it was really a lesson I/we needed....which is that we glimpsed what forgiveness would look like.

So, from this day forward....you can do this. Focus on YOU...& the positives...