When my h was going through his crisis last summer, I was in tip toe on the egg shells mode. I went tip toeing like that for weeks, fearful of saying or doing anything wrong that would send him out the door. I remember how exhausting this was on me.
When I found out about his ea with the ex ow, it broke me wide open and it really propagated that fear of doing something wrong that could push him further into the tunnel and out the door, running back to ow.
Because of that fear, I didn't set any boundaries. I didn't approach him and say "I will not tolerate this, you cannot communicate with her and stay with me".
I wanted to say that, but I didn't. I just held it all in.
So here is what I learned from my H in MC about that...
Because I did not stand up to him and tell him I won't tolerate this, it actually perpetuated his behavior more, and it increased his lying and his justification to continue keeping his secret going as he felt he had no one holding him accountable and, here's the big one....
He felt like he was safe to continue his fantasy and his lies because he didn't believe **** that i would actually leave him*** and set off for a life of my own. He did not see me that strong, but he was wrong.
He saw me as weak, and he admitted that clearly to me. And man, hearing that really felt bad. I don't want anyone to see me like that.
What attracted my h back to me?
This is what he told me .....
When I stood up to him and said, "I will not have this. You cannot communicate with her and be with me, period. You cannot see her, cannot work with her, all of it must be cut off or that is it".
Bam.
What happened next. Well, he did not like that. He said, "Fine" and he started about with his plans to go. Told me "No one tells me what to do".
I knew that once I told him how I felt and what my boundary was, that this was the turning point. I put an end to the tip toeing on the egg shells, gathered myself and up and stood straight again.
So we reached that turning point in latter September and it caused him to be thrown into a period of major decision making.
But while he was making his choices and decisions, I went forward and began living as if..... I'm going to be a strong single woman. GAL'ed, started college again, started to go out with friends, started to live my life..... while he sat in the garage and did his smoking, thinking, and listening to teenage music again.
I was terrified .... but I had to come to that point because I just refused to drag it on further. I did not know for sure if I would make it without him and I cried my eyes out when he was gone but I just kept going and the further I went the more I knew I was going to be Ok.
Once I realized I would not die, and would be Ok he started to see that on me.
Once he started to see that the tip toeing was over, and that as some people say "sh*t is getting real here" that is when he realized...... as he put it..... "Hey, I don't want to lose my family, I don't want to lose my wife".
And he said that he felt attracted to me because I stood up and laid it all down for him to see.
I did tell him to make a choice because there was no way in hell I was going to live with another woman in this marriage.
What did Princess Diana say about her marriage? There were three of us, and so it was a little crowded.
May sound crazy but, I admired her strength for leaving her marriage. I read her own authored autobiography on what she said about pulling herself together and getting her life together for her and her children and it really inspired me.
Angel, I was just not about to have it and so, I laid it down.
If my h cycles again and comes back and says he's out the door then yeah I'm going to be heart broken, but this time I will know what I will put up with and what I won't and so does he.
