Took the time to write a small list to H, titled: Things I want you to know (and accept as the truth)
I told him (without accusing) how I was feeling, and asked for help in overcoming this.
One great thing that came out of it was that he read that I was concerned with him going out after work when I did not know who he was with (and I spelled out plain and simple what I was assuming). His reply? "I no longer even speak to her, I thought you knew that. I had no idea you were still carrying this around." and, to the part about me feeling bad about not being included in his life: "I have been shutting you out, haven't I?"
He seemed to really just have these thoughts dawning on him, so I feel good that I brought it all out.
And, as for the counseling. We decided it would be best if I didn't go for awhile (or ever). He likes having someone to talk to about some things that he is not ready to share with me. He didn't want me to be hurt by this. I assured him that I'm not. It is best that he goes alone for now. SO, problem solved. I will call the C and explain this to her. And then, I will begin to look for my own SOLUTION BASED therapist.
Yeah, Betsey, it is pretty secluded up here. But, I have created my own prison of sorts. I have lots of friends, and could probably fill my social calendar. It's just that darn guilt that prevents me. But, I know that I would be advising someone else in my position to get out and do things, so I need to listen to myself! No one is going to starve or die if I take off for several hours.
By the way, here is my own assignment to myself: This weekend I will make a chore chart for everyone. It is time that they all shared in some of this responsibility. I am doing no favors to anyone by running things the way I have. I have to look out for my future daughters-in-law! If you hear loud protesting all the way out there, don't worry, it will just be my kids reacting to having to learn how to do their own wash!!!
Hugs right back to ya, Betsey. Meredith, I miss ya! It's sunny out today!!!!
