Took the time to write a small list to H, titled: Things I want you to know (and accept as the truth)
I told him (without accusing) how I was feeling, and asked for help in overcoming this.
One great thing that came out of it was that he read that I was concerned with him going out after work when I did not know who he was with (and I spelled out plain and simple what I was assuming). His reply? "I no longer even speak to her, I thought you knew that. I had no idea you were still carrying this around." and, to the part about me feeling bad about not being included in his life: "I have been shutting you out, haven't I?"
He seemed to really just have these thoughts dawning on him, so I feel good that I brought it all out.
And, as for the counseling. We decided it would be best if I didn't go for awhile (or ever). He likes having someone to talk to about some things that he is not ready to share with me. He didn't want me to be hurt by this. I assured him that I'm not. It is best that he goes alone for now. SO, problem solved. I will call the C and explain this to her. And then, I will begin to look for my own SOLUTION BASED therapist.
Yeah, Betsey, it is pretty secluded up here. But, I have created my own prison of sorts. I have lots of friends, and could probably fill my social calendar. It's just that darn guilt that prevents me. But, I know that I would be advising someone else in my position to get out and do things, so I need to listen to myself! No one is going to starve or die if I take off for several hours.
By the way, here is my own assignment to myself: This weekend I will make a chore chart for everyone. It is time that they all shared in some of this responsibility. I am doing no favors to anyone by running things the way I have. I have to look out for my future daughters-in-law! If you hear loud protesting all the way out there, don't worry, it will just be my kids reacting to having to learn how to do their own wash!!!
Hugs right back to ya, Betsey. Meredith, I miss ya! It's sunny out today!!!!
Good for you! It's sunny here, but I'm still in my bathrobe wandering around and trying to figure out what do to with my own information.
So I'm afraid I can't be of too much assistance here.
But I do want to say I'm glad you were able to talk about things with your H and have him really listen to you. And the part about him keeping his appts with the C but you not going is probably the best bet.
After all, how is it helping you if you're feeling anxious with each session? I can say that I honestly wouldn't feel very excited about going back.
I'm going to go clear up some things in my own place next.
Thanks for your input there too!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Few things…I don’t know how long S is going to sleep so I want to make this pretty quick and I’ll elaborate if I have the time…
Never feel like you don’t belong in this ‘club’ because your H is at home and in counseling. His physical presence dictates nothing in terms of where you are in this process. Like Betsey, I am secretly thrilled that Sting is living outside the home. I need this time of peace and solitude to figure this stuff out once and for all. Granted, I wish (and think he should be) here much more than he is…but full time? I am not there yet…and thank goodness he isn’t either. I do know that when he is ready to move home I better damn well be ready too because telling him ‘no’ again will only signal the green flag to pop up on the divorce proceedings. Strangely enough, whenever he does something that indicates he will not be home for a while it scares the crap out of me and I begin to spaz about whether he’s ever coming back again. Isn’t it a messed up world for us here in limbo land?
One I idea that I have kicked around is asking H to renew our vows before moves back in. My friend and her husband did that I and think it is a good way to restart the marriage. Now, I don’t know that I can make that a deal breaker…but I’ll think on it. You’re right, that has absolutely nothing to do with you! Back to Pam…
Quote: get out with some girlfriends and do the female bonding thing...
OOO…OOO…pick me, pick me . Honestly, Pam…I come with a toddler but any time you are feeling like you need some girl time, call me! With enough notice, I can even get a sitter most nights. And I won’t murder you…at least not with an axe! Deal?
Quote: This weekend I will make a chore chart for everyone. It is time that they all shared in some of this responsibility. I am doing no favors to anyone by running things the way I have. I have to look out for my future daughters-in-law!
May I also point out…you aren’t doing any favors for your boys either. You mentioned you are saving for their college educations, so I assume that they will be going – please tell me you aren’t planning on driving to their dorms to do the laundry!! …from experience, the roommates tend to frown upon that!
I think it is great that you worked out the counselor issue. Seriously, even though it may seem like it isn’t focusing on your marriage if you go separately (I am ASSuming that is why you didn’t want to split in C sessions to begin with) it will make everything much better in the end. GO YOU! .
Quote: Meredith, I miss ya! It's sunny out today!!!!
Meredith, it's a strange thing to me, as we've yet to meet in person, but I miss you today! Hope you're having a great day. Just got back from seeing "The Butterfly Effect." It has my mind all in a whirl. I have been wondering if I would go back in time and change anything if I could. The catch is that you will then change your present. Even so, I am pretty certain I would go back and never meet my H. I know that this would take away everything in my life now, but I really feel it is what would be best for him. But, this could just be the mood I am in today. All the happenings on Betsey's thread have me feeling not quite up to par. I just wish I could make all this horrible pain stop for everyone.
Meredith, am I simple minded or what? That axe thing just cracks me up everytime! Guess it won't be so funny when I am taking my last breath, saying, "I thought it was a joke!" No, really... I will gladly pick YOU. Even with the additional little guy that comes with you. Newsflash, Mer, I am good with kids! I have to be, I live with H. ha ha See, I can laugh at myself and my sitch.
I will e-mail you with my phone #. Just please don't ask to speak to my mom if you call. I have a soft, young-sounding voice, and I get that all the time.
Thanks for your post. You too, Betsey. My H is now asking about you girls by name! He said he thinks it's great that I have my own little support group. Maybe that sounds condescending, but I know it is not intended that way. I wish he had one too. I'm sure we'd find our way out of this mess a lot quicker if he had the male versions of you two.
I think I'll go up to bed now. I like to get up extra early so I can have alone time in the morning.
Meredith, can it be any colder????? When I came in about an hour ago my car thermometer read -5. I feel like I'll never be warm again.
Ok Pam, the name of the game today is PMA. Are you with me?Step one: road trip! Let's get this ball rolling baby!
Let's not ask if it can get any colder, we'll likely receive the answer. And now snow, sleet, hail to boot? Ugh, I now see why people choose to live in Florida. It would just figure that the hardest winter since the prarie days would come while I'm left to shovel snow solo...or is it because I'm shovelling solo that it feels like the coldest winter since the prarie days? Hmmm..chicken or the egg!
If left up to your husband, I do believe (and not because I am a welling meaning issue masking friend) that your husband would strongly disagree with the fact he'd be better off without knowing you. If he felt that way, he wouldn't be at home, in counseling or singing to you at all...positives baby! POSITIVES!!!!
Go YOU!!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Meredith- Life is taking an odd turn. H called "just to talk." Things here are strangely calm. He even admitted that things are "getting better." Hmmmm.... I guess I have no choice but to wave the PMA flag!
Stop forcing your results. You may have noticed that they're already happening because of your previous efforts. Show your appreciation to the people that offered you such good advice.
Thanks Betsey and Meredith. I am showing my appreciation!
You better have no choice but to wave that PMA flag! Don't leave me out here acting like a game show host trying to boost the PMA of everyone and you sit back with THIS good news in your lap! GO YOU!!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hey Bob Barker! It is a blizzard up here. H left for your neck of the woods about an hour ago. I figure he should make it there in about 2 or 3 more hours!!! My phone should be ringing at any time to cancel work yet again! You'd think I'd have a lot more done around this house with all the time I've had off lately!
H left without saying goodbye, again. I hate that! Especially since I made it clear that I hate that.
Oh well, the flag is still waving. And, I appreciate your game show host antics. Funny, it was just how I was picturing you yesterday!
…from experience, the roommates tend to frown upon that!