this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

It is a nice place to get to! Do not be surprised if you get there several times. In my experience I cycled through several times. Each took less time than the previous. Perhaps we learn to recognize cycling and move through more naturally

thanks just stunned - oh, i am beginning to get that, for sure - the cycling for me that is. i think i've been here before, but not along with the detachment that i am experiencing now, so it is a new level.

i tested myself a couple of times today - big grin, here!! i imagined him never coming back, and even thought of him staying with OW, and i didn't get that hole in the pit of my stomach, like i've always done before.

i do realize that i may cycle back into that again, but i believe if i do, it will be shorter and more temporary.

while reading the older threads i came across the "splitting" phase that HB describes.

very interesting,because there is NO DOUBT in my mind that that is what h has started to do recently. i'm writing about it here not because i am staying focused on him, but because it has been instrumental in my reaching this new place within myself.

i noticed that i was beginning to become way more resentful towards h these last 3 weeks than ever during this sitch - i was quite confused about it, because i have focused so much energy towards seeing him and his actions as compassionately and empathetically as i can - often being criticized for being too soft about him.

but his behavior (which is described by the 'splitting') was starting to really make me peeved - he was becoming so inconsistent, that it was getting intolerable - he seems to cycle back and forth through different personas sometimes several times a day. i found myself getting disgusted - but also realizing that i don't really understand what is going on. (i asked mil about it this morning, to confirm that i wasn't imagining it and she confirmed that she too has noticed that each time she sees him it's like a completely different person has walked in the door)

then i read the stuff about splitting and it was an aha moment - and suddenly the light bulb clicked on for me - and i got it. he is just in his own world, totally disconnected (and yes, now i am seeing why so many refer to their WAS as the alien - there are times where there is no resemblance whatsoever to the original!) and it really has nothing to do with me

alongwith the discussion we had in the last couple of days with cat and kd and others, reading about what stage i was at and what he is doing - it suddenly seems so simple - it's okay to let go, walk away myself for a little while.

HB and others are right when they say that the more you read and understand what they and yourself are going through, the more empathy and patience you will be able to acquire. and so suddenly i feel, at least for now, that i have this bottomless well of patience available to me, which is totally different from the patience i thought i had before.

i'm still DB'ing but it feels different now - more about myself than about him.

it's the fear, along with the resistance that does us in along this path. the more i work on and resolve my inner deepest fears, the less threatening the picture of h not coming back seems to be.

how interesting it is to find out how our conscious and subconscious minds really work

oops, sorry this got so long
thanks
zig