Hi, all.
Well, I just sat in the tub for an hour staring at the 2 assignments given to me by Betsey.
1. Notice and log things that your H does that make you happy.
2. "Share when you're ready" what you think happens or doesn't happen to start your "insecurity feeding frenzy."

First off, do not be alarmed that this is the 2nd time I have publicly announced that I was thinking of you guys while bathing!
Anyway-
WAAAAH! I hate this assignment! I went into it all excited, the way I get when about to take a test (I'm a good test taker, so I look forward to them...) THEN I realized I would fail this one.
So, a good hour later (and lots of wrinkles) I came up with very weak answers.
Plainly and simply, I start the feeding frenzy when I am feeling neglected, or when my efforts go unappreciated. Unfortunately, I feel this way much too often. I'm sure I feel that way much more often than reality dictates I should. I honestly do not want H to give me his undivided attention at all times. I would hate that! In fact, I rarely like the men who like me. My history has been to lose interest in men that show interest in me. I think what attracted me to H is that I was never totally secure in his love. I guess it is always a work in progress, and that keeps me unbalanced. I am afraid I will get too bored with security. That's the crazymaker in me, huh?
So, that's not much of an answer, is it? Get out your red pens, girls. Give me a big fat zero, but please, give me some guidelines for the resubmission...

Noticing and listing things that H does to make me happy is difficult too. I started to make a list of things he has DONE to make me happy, then I noticed that it said to "notice and log things.." which means this is present tense, not past. So, now I am sad, because I feel like a shrew. I cannot come up with anything right now. I swear, I am not hard to please at all! The few things I came up with were things he did as a result of first doing or saying somethig pretty crummy, so they have bad associations for me, and don't really make me happy. So, I guess all I can say is that I will try harder to notice things. Better yet, I will have to try harder to disassociate the bad with the good. Right?

I think that I just did kind of a stupid thing.
H called and said that he was going to get a beer after work today. I was not happy about this, but I just said, "O.K., see you later then."
Let me explain why this bothers me:
He was gone all last weekend until Tuesday. Now another night to himself?
Let us not forget that he was forging some kind of emotional relationship with a co-worker not too long ago. No clue about the status of this. Was she there???
I made dinner (lasagna, garlic bread, salad, and pie for dessert) and the 2 older boys already bailed on me. Why do I bother?
And,
He reminded me in counseling last night that this is not a good time for him to be talking as much as I'd like because he's so busy at work. Let's see, he just took off 3 days to go away, and he was calling me at 4:45 on his way to a bar. Translation: I am busy when it concerns you. When it concerns me, my job is not really as important as I say it is.
So,
I smartly followed "Underdog's Golden Rule." When H called hours later to say he was on his way home, I didn't answer. I knew I couldn't be upbeat. Instead, I took my notebook up to the tub and soaked in a nice warm bubblebath.
He, however, feeling guilty, came right up to my sanctuary when he came in. He commented on the dinner, and asked why I didn't tell him that I had a whole dinner prepared. He said maybe he would have come straight home. So, after what he had told me about my manipulation tendencies, I said, (and I SWEAR this was not intended in a snotty manner) "wouldn't that be manipulative?"

He got angry. He said I didn't have to be sarcastic. I tried to explain that I didn't intend to be. I simply thought that saying, "But I have dinner on the table!" would have been seen as a form of manipulating him to come home.

As I can never seem to shut up, I further went on with:
"You said that you don't want to be told what I want because then it wouldn't be 'real'. You chose to go out for a beer instead of coming home for dinner. That was your 'reality.'"
O.K., he could not win here, so he walked away.

Oddly enough though, he is the picture of attentiveness now. He asked a little bit ago if we could play scrabble tonight.
AHHHHH!
I am so tired of this push and pull. H says that's what our relationship is based on.

So, that's today. It is now 11 p.m., and I think I will skip the Scrabble and go to bed. I need the solitude.