As a fixer (Bug will understand) I immediately went into should I wait until he arrives, what time do I need to be where and then is it the right thing to wait for him. And then I took a deep breath and didn't do any of that.
Today was strange. I woke up having had a dream that he came by and had GF with him, that he was helping her move and I was an errand on the list, but he was flirty with me the whole time. Anyway, I was a bundle of nerves wondering if maybe, possibly, he would turn up earlier than he had said to be sure to see me. Then being upset with myself for having that desire? wish? who knows....
I left a half hour before he said he was coming by and struggled to enjoy my day and not think about him. Took S out to lunch, then to a musical. When I turned on my phone after the musical I had a text from H "Chairs are in your garage" When I got home a few hours later I replied "They look great! I love them! Thanks!" he replied "Cool glad you like them. Forgot the shovel I'm afraid. I might drop it off later." I replied and said that was fine and made a joke about something.
I found it hard to concentrate today and felt a bit on edge. All because of 3 words in his text yesterday "very busy weekend" When this all started I don't either of us thought he'd be the one in a R first. And he is, with someone who I'm sure is considered a good catch by his friends and parents. (not in the looks dept but anyway)
I know I shouldn't think about her. I know I shouldn't think about them. I know I should focus on myself. I know I should act as if, and be distant. I am but it's hard sometimes.
So I may be seeing him tonight and I certainly seeing him on Tuesday. It's hard sometimes to know if this is pursuit or him "being a good friend" as my friends say.
H just left my place. He texted me to say he'd be by in a half hour. When he came by he wanted to play with the dog, he chatted to S for a little bit and then he said he had to keep going. He told me he had some dog food in the car so I followed him out to get it.
He had a lot of cr&p in his car and he explained he was helping GF move. He used her name which is the first time he's done that. He never usually does. I asked if she was moving to where her new job is and he said no she's moving to xxxx which is where I work. I immediately started thinking about the fact that now I could accidentally see them when I go out after work and then I just stopped and started talking about something else.
When I mentioned being out today I didn't state anything that I'd done, except about something he would have known about because a friend put it on FB. I just left it vague.
He was asking me about my stitches and stuff and then he interrupted me and said Did you get your hair done? SQUEAL!
I said no (very nonchalant) and kept talking
Then when I finished the medical update he said well you look fvcking incredible. And I smiled and said thank you.
When I was heading in and had turned around he mentioned the chairs so I turned back and we talked more about the chairs. Then I started telling him about something that happened at work about possible advancement opportunities for me. We talking about that. He was really supportive and as usual when I talk about work I was really confident and stuff.
Then I said sorry I mean to keep you, That's all that's new with me I guess.
Then out of nowhere he says "no new lover men?"
I say kinda flirty "I thought we weren't gonna talk about that?"
And he said "I was just wondering" and turned back to his car.
I turned back and said "the answers no...I'm not dating" and smiled at him really warmly.
So then he said he'd see me Tuesday and I said goodbye.
But this is INCREDIBLE. Part of me wants to say that he is going back to GF's new place right now. That he's been helping her move all day. That he's comfortable enough with the whole thing to talk about her on a first name basis with me.
But the other part of me says Men don't ask female friends if they've had their hair done, or tell them they look incredible, or ask them if they're dating anyone. I have a lot of male friends....they never notice your hair, and they don't want to talk about the men you date not until they know they're gonna stick around. okay some of my male friends have noticed my weight loss but they don't express it like that.
So 180s work, no pursuing, no chasing, no expectations. If anything I tried to rush him out the door tonight.
Did I handle the dating question correctly? I wasn't sure if I should be "mysterious" like Accuray always suggests, or if I should say WHY I'm not dating hellllllo I want to stay married..
I think that usual Brit attitude is to date and that not dating is a big 180 for me. I told him ages ago that I wasn't going to date and he said well you can't ask that of me...not right now. So sticking to it is that consistent behaviour.
I think it's great that you had a meeting with your H and you're happy about how it went. It sounds very positive, but just be warned that he could act completely different the next time you see him.
Be happy that it went well, but have no expectations for next time.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
You are right. I was excited because he pursued. But I'm not changing how I act.
Not having expectations is difficult. As much as we try NOT to have expectations there's always expectations. Whether we expect it to go good or bad or whether we expect that we will be able to handle ourselves etc. I am doing my best to manage my expectations. And in doing that I'm learning that all I can control or expect is how I'LL act next time we see each other.
Retreating in my hole of NC and feeling horrible about myself.
It's all 1 step forward 50 steps back with me.
This morning I texted him because he'd left some stuff here and I found something of his so I texted him about that and said I'd have it ready on Tuesday. He replied very nicely.
Then I went outside to do some gardening and while in the garage I noticed that a clothes rack was gone. I don't want it, I didn't want it while it was in the house. But the fact that he was helping GF move yesterday and this was gone led me to believe that he had given it to her without mentioning it to me. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want it so why did I care and then I got angry like why do I have to be the one to "get over stuff" I thought he probably did tell you because he knew it would turn into a big thing and he knew you didn't want it anyway. But that didn't help my anxiety.
I'm literally shaking as I type this.
I texted him about the rack but in a round about way just said the garage is getting emptier didn't even notice that was missing when did it go? He replied said he took it yesterday and he is trying to get more and more of his stuff out of there.
Then the mayor of crazytown moved right back in and called him.
He answered not sounding happy. (of course he's not happy he's been helping this girl move for two days. yesterday he had car problems on the side of the highway for hours. and you're calling him with some craziness) I asked him about the rack said that I couldn't see him using it. He told me his mom wanted it. And I said oh okay I just couldn't see you using it in your place. Then he started telling me this big story about his parents house remodel etc, etc.
I asked if he'd brought over some other stuff. He told me he had to rearrange a lot of stuff in the garage. I told him that's why it probably felt so different when I went in, because everything was moved around and I couldn't remember if that had always been there or what had been taken. Then Mayor of Crazytown said "I didn't know if maybe you had given that rack to GF and didn't want to tell me because you thought it might upset me" W.T.F Why??????? do I say these things??????
He said no, no, then I changed the subject then I said so are you all done moving or is there more to do today. And he said no there's more to do today because I got delayed yesterday with the car. And I said okay well I'll see you on Tuesday and we got off the phone.
I feel horrible. I feel like the last two weeks were for nothing, because I've just acted crazy. I feel like she was probably right next to him or near him and they're saying "she called you because she was wanted to know where a clothing rack went?" "what was she going to say that GF couldn't have it"
I hate that I didn't wait the 24 hours and then considered saying/texting/calling.
I feel like anything he may have felt about me yesterday has just been ruined by my bout of crazy.
I guess it's all down to control and I can't control what he does with things that I don't want. Of course I can't. I so wish I had thought this through before texting or calling him.
I'm a horrible DB'er right now. I blame the Solar Eclipse and time of the month.
Brit that is a bit of a backslide. Get passed it. Learn from it and don't beat yourself up. Are u in counseling? What are your GALing activities? This is a process and we all make mistakes. Control sure is an issue for many of us.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
You're not a horrible DB'er and you don't have to blame anything for getting anxious, you're perfectly entitled to. When you get a chance to stop and think, learn from this. Did it work? Was it closer to who you want to be? Did it bring him closer to you? And see if you can practice doing something different next time there's an opportunity.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Rick - previously my WAW activity included a lot of going out, drinking, dancing, etc to not think about things. I've stopped drinking as much. My GAL activities have included - decorating the house...making the place something I love, working out/eating healthy (I've lost 40 pounds and weigh less than when we got married), doing more things yesterday went to a musical this week seeing a comedy show, cooking, gardening, etc. I'm not currently in counselling. I finished a short term goal oriented sessions with a IC and we finished with her saying I'd done a lot of work in empathy, learned a lot about myself in R and how I wanted any M to be, and that I should work on the friendship with H.
Thank you Adinva - looking back now that I've calmed down..it may not have been as bad as I thought. It is a backslide. But it's a far cry from some of my previous lash outs. In fact I was calm on the phone when I asked and he did seem to relax and start chatting about his parents. I don't think it brought me closer and that's the question that I should have asked myself earlier when I was considering whether or not I should mention it at all.
Don't get me wrong. I know I shouldn't have texted, shouldn't have called, shouldn't have brought her up after he'd given me an answer.
Is it closer to who I want to be? It's better than I was a few months ago, but not who I've been the past two weeks. So I will say no. Also I don't want to be the person who causes him conflict, drama, or confrontation. The person I want to be is Fun! Funny! Happy! Carefree!
In a crazytown sort of way, this horrible event makes me less anxious about seeing him Tuesday. Because that's what us control people do isn't it? We feel so nervous living in the uncertainity that we do something horrible so then we feel like it's been decided. I may have screwed it all up so now there's NO expectations. I think it's a big step to identify that I do that...sabotage.
