What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Journaling:
bad convo with H last night on phone. Textbook everything not to do or say in the conversation. I don't want to get into it all right now BUT at the end of the night, I realized:

--I am better off without 'THIS' version of him. And this is who I have to work with RIGHT now. Forget forever, forget in the past. THIS is what he is RIGHT now.
--His anger in his voice is not acceptable to me. I won't engage with him when he is being passive aggressive either.
--I am not a mind reader.
--I am not someone's 'back up' choice. I'm not interested in a R with him like last year when we were in limbo.
--I can't have a relationship with someone who 'wants' something (like more spare time to himself) never said anything about it and then 'punishes' me because I couldn't read his mind.
--There isn't mutual respect.
--I don't let strangers talk rudely to me and not walk away. Why not do the same to H.
--Pursuing behavior of someone who has checked out and exhibits selfish motives is pathetic. I would NEVER think of dating someone like H in his state at the moment. I would say 'pass'. So why chase?
--Arguments over 'feelings' are still pointless. Stop engaging in that.
--We all make our choices, and we all have benefits and consequences in life. I can only deal with my own choices.
--I can only work on and worry about myself.
--Getting trapped in all that nonsense is INSANE. just continuing the cycle that I 'say' I want to break from. We both do it, but I can only control myself, my actions and my responses.


Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who I feel behaves selfishly, who never puts in the 'work' it takes and only wants the reward? Why would I want to live where I feel like my feelings don't matter, where I worry about if he is where he says he is... No. I would pass on my H if I were in the dating world. I have no expectations of him changing (I can't believe I wrote that - but it's true). I have no expectations. THIS is what I'm dealing with right now. I will be cordial, I will be pleasant - but any 'effort' I make is because I want to be a better version of me and because we have a S(5). It's not to attract 'THIS' H.

And oddly, the last thing i thought to myself was: why keep holding the rope. What's the point? Just gives me rope burns, tires out my muscles, and prevents me from doing anything else when I've got a death grip. Drop the damn rope.

I could care less if I get served at this point. I was afraid every day of talking to him that he'd bring it up or when I'd see a officer at work. Screw that. Do it or don't. If he brings it up again, I'll get the paper, sign it, hand it to him and say 'ok, here's your form, for your divorce. You spend your time in line at the court house.' Yes, that would shock him, but that's not the point. I really don't care either way. I'm tired of fighting. He expects me to keep fighting, and I'm done. I just don't care to spend any more effort in convincing someone who doesn't want it.
I thought that would be 'giving up', quitting. But to keep 'letting' him affect me is quitting on myself. It's a distraction.

I know, a big 'duh' moment. I'm getting there.

So enough with H. Back to me
Lost another .5 lbs. Ran 2 miles, walked and talked with BFF for 2 miles. She is so supportive and that's so nice to have in life. Someone who doesn't tell you what you 'should' do, but questions the hell out of your motives so you have to think.
(Like you all, but in real life!)