this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

journaling

i've been reading intensively - jacks thread, the stages of the LBS and the MLC'er, these last few days - it's been heavy.

i had read the stages of MLC and HB's sermons twice in the last few months, and am now amazed at how much of it i didn't get then, and how much more i get now.

I can also see more clearly where i am in my own process, and understand why what i read before didn't "get through" as it does now. it leads me to believe that in another 2 or 3 months i could possibly be in the same situation - going through another level of understanding that is deeper and more freeing.

i am finally getting it, once again - that keeping my focus on h and what and why and how he's doing whatever, is more about taking the focus off myself and avoiding facing and working through my own issues.

i am now, with this slightly newer understanding, able to turn my focus toward myself just that little bit more.

yesterday was a great day - for the first time, i felt a bit free of this sitch and h. several little things happened, and came up in my mind - and they all had to do with getting a stronger sense of myself and what I could do and what I could be - without him.

i am finding out how entangled i was in how he wanted things (and recognizing how he was the same), and that now i truly do have the freedom to do certain things my way - not because i want to feel control, in any sense, but more because i am feeling MYSELF so much more strongly.

i can be late to a party because that's when i feel like going. i can buy teacups that i like (we were NOT allowed to buy any plates, mugs etc, since we were ceramic artists and should make them ourselves. mil and i broke that rule, and i was never forgiven for it)

so yesterday - i went to 2 parties - late as i liked, when i was ready to go - and hey nobody cared, or noticed and i had a great time. the second party - h and s had been there for 3 hours already - h couldn't wait to ask me why i came so late - just shrugged it off and said i'd been at another one first and had been having fun...

so the best thing that happened yesterday - in the afternoon was - i did a really good long session of yoga - without him in my head, and then a really long meditation right after - and he wasn't in my head for the first time. i could just feel myself, and who i was - and it made me so calm and peaceful

i'm dropping the rope here - after reading crimson's thread over the last couple of days - i feel that i am ready. there is NOTHING to resist, nothing to work for, except myself and who i am and what i want.

i don't need to fix anything, i don't need to take care of anything, except myself. my actions are already showing it - suddenly i am not volunteering to do stuff for h - not offering to pick s up to make his life easy, not trying to say or do things through wondering - is this the right thing to say or do.

i feel relaxed - in a different way. twinges of doubt come up, and they are suddenly really twinges (as opposed to putting me in a panic state of whether i DB'ed right or not)- and i find myself saying oh well, whatever - it's done, not going to worry about how he might be taking it - let's get on with other stuff.

when i let go - i am finding that good things happen. in the last weeks (and many of you read my long rants about SIL and her affair) - i worked hard on separating her out of this sitch, and accepting what she is doing and coming to terms with it and making peace with it - and then, surprise surprise - events led to her emailing me yesterday and telling me what a mess things were and how she and the woman she is having the affair with are having terrible completely unresolvable problems. contact was made and we talked on the phone and were reconnecting a bit. life just keeps going on, doesn't it....

so the secret is for me to find out and to let go of any and all resistance to what doesn't feel good around me, and to just find and stay with what feels good. each time i really do that, i FEEL myself more, good things happen for me and i can feel the possibility of other things than just this, that i want right now

oh and another good thing yesterday - i really felt for the first time, that OTHER things - good things were also a real possibility in my future - it is not something that i have really been able to even begin to feel until now.

i know this was long - but there is so much more that i am discovering. the vets are right , even though i knew that all along - it is one thing to agree with what they are saying - but quite another to genuinely get to that place where one can start and really BE it. and as has been written on this boards - too many times- you just can't do it unless you are ready to.

if one considers the "stages of the lbs" i think that i am going into acceptance, along with the depression and a twinge of resentment. to recognize it for what it is and to understand that it will pass and then i'll be in another stage - that is where the patience and understanding really starts to come for me.

i am so grateful that the amazing people here have spent all this time and energy documenting all of this, so that the ones that come next can make good use of it when we are ready to.