Time for LBH to move home? WAW can do the walking.

[AlwaysTrying]

My last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2246254&page=10

In short to anyone unfamiliar with my sitch, I'm leaning toward moving back in. See the thread for details.

Sandi, you've picked on my writing a few times. Maybe I use more or different words than you do, but I don't think I'm smarter than you. I'm not a Ph.D. I'm a high-school dropout, and that's the truth.

Reasons for moving back in:
- I want 50/50 custody of the kids. It does not seem I can do anything to stop the divorce, but I can get time with my kids. That means a lot to me. If I stay out, I have less chance of that - that's what my lawyer says.
- I'll be happier. I like my house. I like my garden not being full of weeds. I like seeing my kids more often.
- I will be saving money up until the point W moves out and I take on the full bill for the mortgage.
- I won't feel torn. I will feel like I'm taking care of myself and my relationship with the kids.
- My position will be clear and unambiguous.
- Maybe, maybe, maybe, I will be more respectable and eventually WAW's hate might be overcome by that. I know you say not, sandi.
- I'm not out for revenge, but W can see what it is like to face a partner with a hardened heart.
- Even though my heart has hardened a little, I can still show her compassion in everything else I do. I'll stay out of her hair, out of her way, and out of her business as much as possible.
- For the first time in a while, I can set my own boundary.

Reasons for not moving back:
- It will create anger, resentment, and distrust in my W. This may never heal or might take a long time.
- W will be unhappy.
- W may throw a tantrum.
- Kids might be in an unpleasant environment until W moves out.


If I just give in to whatever child custody arrangement my wife wants, of course this will all be easier, but I will also regret it forever. If at some point into this it looks like the kids would be better off with another arrangement, I can work it out with W. If I give her what she wants and later regret it, there is no getting them back.

"going there to be Mr. Mom" - sandi
It sounds like 50/50 custody or father as primary parent is something you're against. If you don't see that as something worth having (or fighting for), I can see why you are flat against me coming back. What is to gain except for some pointless gender role reversal?

The truth is, I have a hard time seeing W as maternal while she is doing this to my family. I don't accept her claim on my kids.

I don't want to be Mr. Mom. I'm as career-focused as anyone. I like what I do for a living and it would really bring me down if I couldn't do it any more. But I want it all. I want to come home from work and help with homework, take a bike ride with the kids, and read them a story.

And I see how this life choice hasn't left me with a whole lot of extra time for other hobbies and such, but I like it, and it's only for 20 years or so. In part, I can see that it's overcompensating for the neglect my parents showered on me, but it is who I am. I'm not Mr. Mom the male homemaker. I'm the male version of do-it-all Super Mom. I'm Super Dad.

Don't think that means that I think that I'm "all that". I know "super dad/mom" has negative connotations, just the way that "nice guy" does. But it is who I am.


"Figure yourf@ckingself out." - Truegritter

I feel like I have. No more compromise. No more half-measure. I don't feel set against myself.


I'm trying to see this from the other side, but every time I think about it, I feel more like moving home and, frankly, calmer.

I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just don't see a very good reason to play this part of the WAW's game any longer. Making the house toxic for the kids is something I will avoid as much as possible, and something the WAW can choose to do as well.