Hi Val. Really interesting post here. I've always enjoyed your introspection and you really have come along way. I'd love to read the next chapter in your novella. Share it with us when you are ready. In the meantime, keep growing and thriving. You are doing great!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thought I would finally Journal about my contact with my w on Sunday. Not as much processing as I thought. Thankfully, very little obsessing...
.. let's hope I just remember it right.
It started with her asking me how I was. I paused for a brief moment before saying I was good.
She said "You seemed surprised that I would ask how you are doing"...
... I said nothing in reply.
We proceed to talk about the next steps. I was surprised how upbeat I was. No act, I just got done with a great weekend of work and finished having celebration drinks with the director..
... so maybe the Vodka relaxed me a bit.
At one point we talked about the health insurance check. She asked why I waited so long to send. I reinstated my boundary. She replied that she wasn't screwing me over and that she just never goes to the bank.
It's funny - the first two months... I sent two different checks together (car insurance, health insurance) - every month she cashed one and not the other... so her bank excuse.. was just that an excuse.
I do not point this out though. There is no need to call her a liar. Maybe she believes her own story. I know the truth though.
She asked me if I would send it at the beginning of each month. I said - I would be more than happy to if she would cash it promptly.
She agreed.
We continue to talk now about taxes in which she somehow slips it in that I am either really busy that I want to drop off my taxes off to our accountant.. or that I don't want to see her.
I tell I don't want to see her. Not in the way I thought I would though.
I told her that money was a hot topic for us and that I was tired of the negative interactions between us. I was tired of being scared or fighting anger... tired of her spewing her anger at me.
That the way we have conversations is not who I am or strive to be and since it could not be the way I wanted, I preferred not to meet.
She said she understood. That she panics every time she has to call...she never knows how she will be.. or I will be.
I found it interesting she said herself first.. but I validated.
She started opening up a little bit. I am actually quite a funny cat and had her laughing numerous times.
But somehow she talked about how we only talked every two months and that how it sukked that it was business...
... I can't exactly say how she said things.. but she said it in a way that confused me. I no longer knew if we were talking about our relationship or the D.
So I just said - well I just went off your cue. From what I can see.. you have moved on, want nothing to do with me, and need to find yourself.
I support and accept your decision and am doing the same.
Her response was how we will each perceive things the way we want to.
By now I was really confused on what we were talking about.. so as KD says "I poked the bear"
I asked her to tell me if I was wrong.. and she closed up instantly...
... whoops.. seems she still has thing when she closes us when she has revealed too much info.
In short she told me that she doesn't know until after she is no longer legally tied to me.. that right now she has too many feelings.
So.. same ole same ole. After 1 yr, I thought I would do a temp read. I won't be asking again.
I said nothing in return.
She asked me where the accountant's office was. I said in Burbank.
W: I never go to Burbank. M: That's a shame. Burbank is so great. W: You live in Burbank? M: No I don't. W: Oh.. you go there for work?? M: No.. not exactly.
Next topic....
I told her that I was trying to get everything done by June 1st and that I was trying to do my part. That I wanted to get done with everything including Chicago.
W: Oh.. Chicago. Do you know what papers we need to sign? M: Yeah. I looked it up awhile ago. W: So I'll need to print those us too? M: Yeah. That way it will all be taken care of. W: Great.. one more thing I have to take care of.
Next topic.
For those of you who dont know - letting her take care of things is a HUGE 180 for me. I'm the care taker.
She informed me that it was a crazy week as school so she wouldn't be able to call our accountant right away (She stated she needed to talk to him on the phone.. caz she has no clue what she is doing ever in regards to this).
M "Ok. Well it's both of our money so we should both be comfortable. Just let me know what you think".
W:"K... well if you want to send me the Chicago paperwork.. I woudn't mind" (with a cute chuckle)
M: "K well I gotta run. Just keep me posted and I'll talk to you later".
And that was it. This got a little long so I'll save what I feel about it for another post
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Of course, that is if it all went down like you wrote...
Isn't that just so crazy when you try to get clarification and they just shut down like that?
And nice recovery... I was going to say that when something happens like when they shut down, we should just keep on as though nothing happened... see where it goes from there.
And the other bits... like she was initially taunting you, like she was looking for a fight... of course, she'd have called it playful banter and then blow up if you bit... and also fantastic that you didn't play into her paranoia about Burbank and not rescuing her about the paperwork...
ha ha - Well KD we all know a little thing or two about "perspective"
I definitely got a little flustered with the R conversation. I probably pushed a little too hard, but some times it worth the risk to change the status quo.
Looking back - I have a couple of feelings. I will try not to dwell in these but here they are.
1. I seem much happier than my wife. This is purely speculation as she could be hiding her true happiness as not to hurt my feelings.. but all of our conversations since December have had her having rough times.. either with her mom, or work, or spending the first Christmas together...
No point in really trying to mindread. It's just an observation. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth.
2. I am much stronger. Do I struggle with my w, of course.. but the dynamic has greatly shifted in alot of ways. I no longer react to her negativity. I've established boundaries. I've learned to love myself without feeling like I'm not loving her. (That one is still a work in progress)
3. It seems that my w is still confused or kinda foggy. It seems she wants me legally out of her life, but does not want to make the commitment to have me emotionally out of her life. She does what she can handle emotionally at the time.
All of these things have meaning to me, but it also means that my course is still the same. I will continue to protect my heart, work to forgive, let go of my anger... and just be a happy, funny, loving Val.
If she doesn't see it... that's fine. It's not her loss.. just her choice. One that she is allowed to make.. without judgement.
Somewhere in the last week, I have gotten back my compassion for where she is in her journey. When she told me she didn't know... I was surprised at my lack of anger at that.
After all... I just spent 5 months figuring myself out and not really sure what I was supposed to do....
..she deserves the same.
I will continue to leave the rope dropped and will try to leave my anger with it.
Should God want our paths to cross again someday, he will make it happen.
Until then... I will keep on keeping on... with a smile on my face, and peace in my heart.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
God bless you Val. It sure has been an emotional scene for you. You are handling it unbelievably well under the circumstances. The fact that you feel some compassion for your W shows you to be a truly good human being. Take care.
1. I seem much happier than my wife. This is purely speculation as she could be hiding her true happiness as not to hurt my feelings.. but all of our conversations since December have had her having rough times.. either with her mom, or work, or spending the first Christmas together...
No point in really trying to mindread. It's just an observation. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth.
2. I am much stronger. Do I struggle with my w, of course.. but the dynamic has greatly shifted in alot of ways. I no longer react to her negativity. I've established boundaries. I've learned to love myself without feeling like I'm not loving her. (That one is still a work in progress)
3. It seems that my w is still confused or kinda foggy. It seems she wants me legally out of her life, but does not want to make the commitment to have me emotionally out of her life. She does what she can handle emotionally at the time.
All of these things have meaning to me, but it also means that my course is still the same. I will continue to protect my heart, work to forgive, let go of my anger... and just be a happy, funny, loving Val.
Val, it seems you, I and our spouses are in much the same place. I saw H on Weds and he seems not very happy, in fact he seemed very uncomfortable. Of course I was cleaning out "his" garage, maybe he was concerned I would pitch all of his "stuff." He was going fishing, he should have at least had a smile on his face!
And for all I know he could be deliriously happy when he's not around me. No good to mind read and none of my business.
Number 2 on your list is my favorite. I am stronger, so much stronger because I have taken the gift of this experience and made it all about me. All about making me a better person, the person I was meant to be.
I've read no one changes until there is enough pain to make them want to change.
We all want change in our spouses, but they did make a change. The only one they were capable of, they said to us, "you are the problem, my life will be better without you, please leave."
As painful as that was, we can be grateful each day for the opportunity to take ownership of what is ours and make real changes in ourselves.
About #3, I think my H has me legally still in his life because it's easier, he doesn't have to make yet another decision. Emotionally, he seems to have excised me but I'm not quite so sure about that either. Again, not my business.
He's a tough nut.
Thanks for making me think and helping me start my gratitude list for today.
(and I didn't pitch his "stuff" it's all neatly stored in a corner of the garage should he ever decide he needs it)
@ LA - You're quite welcome. I'm glad your not throwing out his stuff. My g/f always say "People are showing you their character with actions.. believe them".
I think its always better to show a character of a kindness..
which brings me to a journal entry.
W sent 3 different emails today. Lucky me.. lol. I'm trying to read into tone but IMO they are very different.
1st one about taxes:
I spoke with x and I'm comfortable with him doing the taxes. It's still not a guarantee whether he will do the joint or separate until he has seen our taxes. I could drop off my documents on Friday because I'm off and will be up that way. Does that work for you?
This communication works for me. It's pleasant and it's about the two of us. She isn't trying to control the conversation.. and it feels like she is being understanding.
The 2nd & 3rd email is about a HUGE hike in my health insurance. I just wanted to give you the heads up, we just had the medical insurance meeting at work. We were informed that medical insurance for employee + spouse will be $675.28 for basic health insurance. We should talk about this and about whether this is something you want to continue with.
I also need to turn in the paperwork by next week, so unfortunately, we need to talk about this sooner rather than later.
I could be wrong but the 2nd email is semi- nice but I feel the tone shifting.
What would it hurt to ask if we could talk.
I know I need to let things go but I don't like being spoken to like that.
What's crazy is when we were together she used to help me re-write emails because I used to type similar ones to one she sent me and she would always say "That reads cold" or "I could see how that might rub people wrong".
I'm not really sure what to do but I really liked where we were going communication.
Maybe it's the pull back.. who knows...
or I guess it should be "who cares".
Because my action should be the same.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I was going to say that when something happens like when they shut down, we should just keep on as though nothing happened... see where it goes from there.
Emotionally, he seems to have excised me but I'm not quite so sure about that either. Again, not my business.