Wife wants out

[totallydevoted]

Well, mediation actually went pretty well considering. I think W and I did what was fair for the children. Not sure she felt that way because she was expecting so much more I'm afraid. It only proved to me that since we were using the mediator she chose...and the mediator agreed everything sounded fair...that W was trying to get one over on me. She's still only thinking of herself I'm afraid...and she will need to be honest with herself over these next many months that her issues aren't all my fault and she has some serious soul searching to do. It's the only way she will heal.

The mediator mentioned that she had done over 2,000 of these and ours was one of the smoothest. She commented on how well my W and I got along, and asked me when W was out of the room, "and why are you two getting a D?" I stayed positive and upbeat, sincere and caring...and kept reiterating if we came to bump that this was all about the children so let's make sure whatever decision we make is what's right for them. The mediator appreciated that as I hope my W did. There was only one time when I got upset, and I could beat myself for doing it because I made it all the way till the end until I did. When the bill was quoted I panicked because I had only budgeted myself for about half of what I owed at that time. I sort of took it out on my wife...since she was the one that initiated all this and chose this mediator. It was childish I know and I feel terrible about it. I have apologized to both the mediator and my W and thanked them both for their time and effort in all this. I didn't yell or anything like that, I was just scared and vulnerable because I pride myself in my preparedness but am still working on my reaction to things when something slips up. I think my W used that to rationalize in her head that I was just horrible throughout the process...but nothing could be farther from the truth...and she knows that. She's just scared and upset herself right now and reacting how she has been all along, blame me for everything to make her feel better. Time will allow her to see how things truly are...I hope for her sake anyway.

So now...we wait for the judge to sign off...and then we are D. I still can't believe all this is happening but my anxiety and sadness gets better everyday and I am prepared, especially now I know what to expect financially at least...to move on. I know my W and I will remain friends...and will be fair and do what's right for our babies. And who knows somewhere down the road when we've both grown and become more self sufficient and can be happier and more comfortable in our own skin, we'll begin to miss each other and realize we did have a good thing going...and that we do still love each other. But, the timing will have to be right...and she will definitely need to do some serious self reflection to improve her depression. I will not get involved with the same woman as she is now...and I wouldn't expect her to do the same. I know I have all ready grown in these 2 short months...much from the help of this site and all you wonderful people out there. Thank you all very much...I think I may be able to move out of Newcomer and into more detailed issues, we'll see. But, I'll keep up with this post if need be and also provide any insight to any of you that I can.

Bless you all and have a wonderful day!