Well, guys, I put my membership in the sobriety club in jeopardy last night, but I think I rebounded enough for you to keep me around. AAAARGH! Men frustrate me! O.k., I feel better now. In a nutshell: I CONSTANTLY perform acts of service for H. Didn’t understand this, as it is neither of our LL. But, I do it anyway and then get frustrated over all I do. I am trying to stop this, but it is so hard! Here’s an example of how a good intention can go wrong: I made enchiladas for dinner. I foolishly thought my oldest son would not eat a lot because he had a sporting event to participate in a few hours later. I was wrong. So, when H finally rolled in, there was only 1 enchilada left. (It was rather big, though). So, he asked, “Is this all?” Well, I felt myself start to snap. (“Well, H, maybe if you let us know what time you would be coming in and how hungry you will be I could anticipate your needs more! Many times I cook a huge meal, only to be told, “Oh. I had a late lunch.”) But, no, I just apologized and said I would be happy to get something else.
Well, maybe he sensed my agitation. He got irritated and said, “I can get my own food.” This led me to say, “wow, it must be tough to be you. I mean, having someone care about you and want to do things for you must be awful.” (YES, I KNOW! BAD BAD BAD Me!)
So, I calmed myself down and tried to explain to him that I had gotten myself into a habit of performing these acts of service because in my mind, if I did them, I would be freeing up his time, thus making room for him to spend quality time with me…which is my LL. When it doesn’t happen that way, I get hurt and angry. This, you guys, I need help with! If I compiled a list of the things I do for this man, you would immediately come here and whack me with a 2 x 4. I have crossed the line from wife to personal slave. The thing is: He doesn’t like it either! But, I just can’t get past the guilty feelings of him working hard all day and then having to come home and do something for himself. It honestly makes me feel so guilty that it just sets me off for the whole night.
It is a lose/lose situation. I do things, and 1 of 2 things happens: a. It irritates him (and I get angry) b. He takes whatever I have to offer, then spends the night offering up no quality time whatsoever (and I get angry.)
But, if I don’t do something and see that he is doing it, I end up feeling guilty (and I get angry. Albeit at myself this time, but I still end up angry).
So, I can’t win. I just feel like such a loser if he asks for something and I don’t have it or can’t easily take care of it. I guess, Betsey, this is the whole insecurity thing. It’s like I think that everything is a deal-breaker. (“What? You didn’t bring the towels up from the laundry room? It is OVER!”) I know this is insane, but I am having such a hard time stopping it.
You know, there was a lot more to this story, but I think I will stop here. I have given you all enough to respond to. Besides, as I type this, I see that it is the main problem anyway. The rest is just the result of it….
