I don't know if you know this about me.. but I'm a w of an addict.
My wife is an alcoholic and an over-eater. She's been in OA for almost 2 yrs. Last time we had a conversation, she was talking about joining AA as well.
I can tell you that there is alot of ANGER being the spouse of an addict. I get angry at all the years she was sick and hurt me. I get angry at the fact that she is trying to get healthy but has no desire to show me the new her.
I find myself getting angry that a friend can do a completely innocent act and it triggers something in me that brings me back to that pain.
My friends suffer from my bullsh!t. Thank God for their never ending grace and love for me.
I can also tell you that is alot of FEAR being the spouse of an addict. Every time my w does something pleasant - I fear the other shoe to drop.
I fear my hope getting up that she has truly changed.
Every time she does something that even reminds me of the old dynamic - I get scared that I'm not strong enough so sometimes I over-react to get my point across.
Alamo - being in a relationship with an addict causes severe damage to both the addict and the enabler.
I tell you this not to blame you or make you feel bad. I believe that you are working on changing you. You are confronting your demons head on with God's strength... and that is amazing....
... your wife will need to do the same. She will need to confront her own demons because just as you chose to stay in your addiction... she chose to stay in that kind of relationship.
And I can tell you - some days that is hard to admit. It is much easier to blame the addict than to take ownership of your actions.
It is much easier to use the addict to keep you stuck in anger and fear....
I don't want to speculate why your w is acting the way she does. Honestly - I don't agree with what your w is doing...
... but I understand it because until she deals with herself... until she forgives you and herself.. you will get more of the same.
And that journey to forgiveness is soo hard. Some days I just want to scream - why do I have to experience all this pain because of HER addiction.
I bet your wife's has those days.
So I get it. I get why your w is doing what she does. I can understand the fear/angry behind it.
But at the end of the day....
only time and God will have to heal her heart.. and though your changed heart is awesome... it's really not about your journey...
..it's about her journey to heal.
And I'm sorry - but 1 yr may not be enough time for her.
What do you do with this... be patient and be loving. That does not mean being a doormat, that does not mean losing your son.
We care about your on this board. We all bring different viewpoints.
We can say that your w should be acting this way or you should be defending yourself this way....
... but at the end of the day - things are unfolding exactly the way God is intending. We may have difficulty trusting it... and we can surely not like it.
But if we believe that he loves us.. than we believe that he knows what's best for us.
Continue to do what God want's you to do.. and it will all work out.
