Need help on this unexpected journey/Stopping D

[seeking answers]

GM,

As Snodderly advised you, you're not dealing with a rational person right now. You're expecting him to give you answers to questions that he has no idea what the answers are. Even if he gave you answers, it would be unwise to base any decisions on them. I believe this generated this saying, "Believe none of what they say, and only half of what they do."

The choice to remain standing or not is yours to decide and IMHO should not be based on something your H says to you. He is being driven by emotions right now and not rationality. What he feels now could change in the next 5 minutes, tomorrow, next week, etc. You will truly know if/when your H comes through the other side and is ready to try a reconciliation. You will have a decision to make then of whether you still want to try.

Accepting the fact the most MLC's are long and drawn out will help you in letting go of your H and focusing on you and your own healing. That 'gift of time' that is talked about will help things to become much clearer to you.

If you are planning on keeping your house, please do as Snodderly advises and call a professional of your choosing to get information and the best way to proceed with re-financing. Take control of all that affects you and your children. The feeling is empowering because you handled it yourself. Have no expectations that your H will have your best interests at heart at this time.

Oh, and the patience thing, well, at least for me that didn't come easily. It took a lot of self reflection, owning my stuff, and changing the things I didn't like about me. It also took understanding the dynamics of MLC and forgiveness, not only for H, but myself, too.

Time GM, is your friend.

[kml]

But first, definitely figure out if keeping the house IS the right thing for you. It doesn't sound like you have much equity in it if you are going to have to pay PMI. One of the biggest financial mistakes women make is to hold onto the family home they can't afford in a divorce, in an attempt to keep things "normal" for the kids.

That being said, the market IS low. If the payments would be less than rent AND you expect to have enough money for upkeep on the house, AND you can refi, AND your H agrees to a divorce agreement that doesn't require you to refinance the house again (but I can't imagine that an attorney wouldn't advise him against agreeing to that).....

Ask yourself - would you buy this house today, at this price? Or if you end up divorced, would you be considering moving closer to family or to a less expensive neighborhood?

You should ask yourself all these questions before you refi.

As for what your H gets out of this: he may get to look like the "good guy". He may be interested in maintaining the family home for the kids' sake. He may be trying to avoid having a foreclosure on his record (if the house is underwater - is it?).

Also - if you do refi - don't do anything other than a fixed rate. Try not to extend the length of your loan by too much (i.e., if you have 15 years left on your current mortgage, don't refi to a 30 year). And as for the PMI - you may not be able to get rid of the PMI until your mortgage is paid down to a certain percent (70 or 80%)regardless of what the market value is - read your paperwork carefully.

[golf mom]

Thanks for all of your feedback. Keeping the house is absolutely in my best interest. Rentals in my area are ridiculously high right now. My mortgage payment will be less. It's hard to believe that several years ago we had several hundred thousand in equity, but due to foreclosures and short sales the market took a dive. The realtor who we had listed with for a short time had advised us not to sell due to all of the above. We actually have a decent amount of equity right now and hopefully in another year or so the market will turn around. Refinancing is in my best interest. We should have done it years ago.

As for our relationship it's on the shelf. Even if by the grace of God we spend any time together it will be for fun and strictly enjoying each others company. I've realized that the answers I'm looking for don't exist. My marriage is over. The only thing we could possibly do is start over. So, like in the beginning of any new relationship talks about where this is headed are not appropriate. Does my outlook make sense or am I still setting myself up for a fall?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

As for our relationship it's on the shelf. Even if by the grace of God we spend any time together it will be for fun and strictly enjoying each others company. I've realized that the answers I'm looking for don't exist. My marriage is over. The only thing we could possibly do is start over. So, like in the beginning of any new relationship talks about where this is headed are not appropriate. Does my outlook make sense or am I still setting myself up for a fall?

I'll honestly admit that I came here to simply say:

Please start a new thread. And I was trying to come up with a nice way, maybe a funny way of reminding people that 100 posts per thread is the limit. : )

And then I saw this, the above quote:

Bravo!

Your old marriage IS dead. No matter what you do with him, it will be a NEW Marriage. And thank God!

Good for you fo realizing this.

am I still setting myself up for a fall?

Not if you are...wary...cautious, and careful. But do not be afraid to be hurt again either...it's a razors edge...but without the ability to be hurt? There is no love.


PS - make a new thread too.