Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

That's the thing, LA. I've been thinking about it since I finished the book a couple of weeks ago...at first I considered giving it to him as a birthday gift but decided against it because I wanted to re-read it & thought that maybe, as an anniversary gift it might be received as a little more appropriate.

I don't know if he would see it as me saying to him, "you've got a problem & need to fix it," or as me pointing out his flaws or what have you. I hope not! He knows that I accept full responsibility for my part of the demise of our M, I've offered apologies for the things I recognize may have hurt him & continue to apologize as I become more aware of his perspective & how a lot of my actions were likely received. He's actually said to me more than once that I didn't do it on my own, that it's both of us who are at fault.

I can honestly say that since the bomb I've been exceptionally careful to do everything in my power to show him compassion for what it is that he's going through. When things were at their worst between us, I admit - there's a lot of things I said and did that I wish I hadn't, and a lot of it could've been easily interpreted by H as me saying, "You suck! Change! And while you're at it, fix everything so I can be happy again!" Which in reality was not at all the message I was trying to convey, which at this point doesn't really matter. What matters is that that's how H received it.

The book goes into great detail about the fear/shame dynamic and how it has the ability to destroy a M without either party doing anything wrong. The book is fantastic, I highly recommend it. And after reading this book I've gained some great insight about how we got to this. The book has offered me even more hope than I already had that our M can be R & that it wouldn't be that difficult to do.

I dunno. The last time we had any R talk H said that he isn't so dead set on D. I know it's not the same as saying that he's ready to work on our M, as much as I'd like it to be. That being said, I don't know if he's ready or willing to do anything right now but I do think that if he were to read the book it could make a difference on how he views our sitch. Our anniversary is coming up so I figure it seems the most appropriate time to give it to him.

I can only hope that my 180's of not complaining to him have proven to him that I don't see him as needing to fix anything including himself. I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't have told me about his benzo abuse & addiction if he feared my reaction or judgement. Although I could be reading too much into things or comparing apples to oranges.

Any more perspectives would be appreciated!