My WAW began complaining about lack of love and affection within 2 weeks of our M and after 8 years of dating (I was her first serious boyfriend). WAW complained that there was not a feeling of "post wedding bliss". These complaints resurfaced several times over the next 9 months. We discussed and together dismissed these complaints as her work stress, PMS and high expectations.
However, Dec'12 WAW started to share these intimate issues with a male colleague (OM) and developed an emotionally connected relationship with OM within 2 weeks. She believes that OM is her soul mate because their connection is so real and so strong.
WAW moved out of home Jan'12 to think things over. In the first month, she felt extremely confused, guilty and immoral. She blamed our marriage breakdown on issues in our relationship, different personalities, and her parents and family expectations. She did not take responsibility for addressing our marital issues (her words) and I feel that she has not taken responsibility for the A when she says that she "was not looking for it but the feelings were so strong and real". She only listened to people that agreed with her current views. Her family wanted her to R but she felt that they were forcing their views on her. Her values of "never divorce after marriage" changed to "never divorce after having children".
She gets confused whenever she catches up with me for a meal and chat. But in Feb'12 WAW was firm that she didn't want R but was not 100%.
I have done a lot of reading and self reflection and agree that I contributed greatly to her feelings in our M by not responding and expressing love and affection in a way that she appreciates. I want to grow and R as I love my wife deeply.
Up until Mar'12, I tried to be the caring and loving H that she wanted through calling and text but was very depressed even in front of WAW. It seemed fake to WAW and was actually "suffocated". I was so hurt that I went NC (no contact). At this point she started to miss me and stopped talking to me about OM.
However, until now there has been very little WAW initiated contact. The exception being when WAW needed to pick up belongings. Once or twice WAW would ring me up to "update" me on her life (looking for apartments, buying furniture, moving house, job, etc). It's typically up to 2 weeks between contact. However, she has wished happy birthday to my sister and myself as well as happy mother's day to my mother.
I don't read much into this since she didn't contact me when she missed me. Worse still, she is always Whatsapp online first thing in the morning, all throughout the day (3-4 times an hour) and last thing at night. This week I managed to force myself to stop being so obsessive over checking Whatsapp, emails and FB. It was a massive step forward.
Over the last 2 weeks, I started to accept that nothing I do can influence her and in fact is would be better for her to work it out for herself on her own journey. The devastating days and hours are now further apart and my bounce back from it is getting faster.
I am trying LRT and to stay caring and patient after having worked through my own feelings of anger, betrayal and deep anxiety before I went NC. I have begun eating and exercising properly and contacting close friends and family to achieve GAL. Re-started my old car racing hobby that stopped after M (weekends were spent house hunting during M).
I just worry that with NC there are extremely few opportunities for WAW to see any changes in me that may sway her.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
Hey Fuzzy sorry you find yourself here. It is the right place for you at this time. Post oftenn and read other people's threads. This is a marathon it will take time, months and even years. Have you read DR? I will post some rules for you to follow. They are know as Sandi's 37 rules. Read them and follow them. You will make mistakes. Don't lose hope.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Fuzzy, when I read the topic I thought maybe after 9 months of marriage it was just a case of incapatability. But after reading that you were together 8 years before marriage, I think DBing is in order for you. Good luck with the process, and post frequently if you need to.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
WAW texted to inform me that her grandfather had passed away overseas. I got on well with him but I doubt she remembers. I immediately phoned her to see if everyone was ok. She mentioned that she will attend funeral overseas. I tried to offer emotional support but WAW was distant. She was apparently talking on the phone in the car with siblings so it may have been awkward but never called me back. I guess OM is providing all the emotional support that she needs since lack of emotional connection is one of the many reasons that she left our M and used to justify A. I only asked how she was feeling, a little about the funeral and didn't try to pursue especially after the awkward silences
Also, bumped into WAW at the train station. She was running late but decided to have a chat to me. Updated me on the date she flies out, how she had been working late at work, her broken hair straightener and new glasses as contact lenses were making her eyes sore. I asked if she was crying but she said it was the air conditioning in the office. I complimented her on how good the glasses looked on her. Lack of compliments were another justification for A. I kept the complement very short and in a manner consistent to during dating and M so it didn't appear fake.
She was complaining about having no hair straightener for a few days whilst waiting for delivery of online purchased replacement. I offered her spare that is still at my house but she decided to buy a cheap one to use the next couple of days. Not logical but I guess she wants as little contact with me as possible (continues on from her not initiating contact with me generally).
Using LRT, I ended the chat early and said I've got to meet up with someone. WAW trapped me and asked if I was having coffee with colleagues. She felt that in M the coffee with colleagues was prioritized over her (even though this ritual is over 4 years old). I understand her point of view now but effectively made the same mistake by choosing coffee over chatting with her.
I had not seen her for about 4 weeks and see looked as beautiful as ever. Chatting to her felt like "normal". It really made me miss her.
GAL this weekend involved organising a BBQ cook out and also dinner with various friends. I will also try swimming and car maintenance.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
Space. Over the last 2 months i went NC and havent initiated contact with WAW. WAW initiates contact with me about once or twice per fortnight. Sometimes to pick up stuff, sometimes to give me an update on her (work, house hunting, in laws, etc), sometimes for special days (anniversaries, birthdays, etc). Over these last 2 months there has been very very little talk of M and no talk of OM (although I'm certain OM is still there). I am I providing too much space? Or am I becoming impatient?
I need to GAL more I think. Still haven't begun feeling good about myself.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
Until you feel good about yourself I don't think you'll see a change. But yes we all have to accept that it is a gamble we don't know that they'll reconsider and we don't know that they won't.
It's been almost 3 months for me...although I didn't go non pursuit until about 2 weeks ago. A friend of mine says oh I think you guys could work it out but probably not for like a year. I screamed over the phone A YEAR!!! and she says "Brit, when you think about it...what's a year in your life." And she's right. We want it to happen now because to stop hurting and to stop feeling uncertain of the future which is a fear. We have to stop hurting on our own, face all the fears on our own before reconcile is possible.
Fuzzy, I new here as well. In a very similar situation. I have only been married 1 year and wife is telling me she want divorce. Brit, I have been following what you have been telling others and the advice is great. Maybe we should all listen even though it seems to get harder for me rather than easier.
GAL is so important for me to feel good about myself. It's for me. That's how I will become a cheerful, positive and fun person that someone wants to be with.
Exercise is the only thing so far that gets me into a GAL frame of mind. Typically after exercise I am motivated to organize meet ups with friends and do some of those things that make me feel good about myself (eg car racing).
Lack of sleep is keeping me from exercise. The loneliness and "cold" home keeps me awake. I must force more exercise into my schedule as that has helped with sleep in the past.
Taking stock of my GAL daily. I'm starting to discount from GAL after work drinks at the pub. Most days are just that.
But in the last week, I have caught up with many friends that I haven't seen in months and organized BBQ. Last night, I finally took the plunge and bought some car parts that I have wanted but put off since M.
I might buy a new TV and furniture now...
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
