I've posted before -- Newcomers, MLC -- but thought I'd start a new thread here, as I'm looking for fresh advice because my situation has evolved. Here's the rundown:
October - Found out my wife was crushing on a coworker; wanted a relationship to develop
November - She said she wanted to separate or have a 'non-traditional' relationship with me (stay together, raise our son, but do our own thing)
I got weepy, anxious, angry, went on sleeping pills, lost 25 lbs... was a mess.
Read DB and started sessions with a DB coach. Saved my life. I decided to leverage the weight loss, started running again, rowing... (got lots of complements on my improving physique (though not from my wife)), became more social; going out with friends on my own. I detached.
December - Found out she was pursuing a second guy, then a third; she slept with no. 3 just before the holidays. I had a bit of a backslide from my detachment, called up the guy and told him a few choice things about my wife, which scared him off. Also told her she could work on rebuilding our partnership or get out NOW. She wasn't impressed with this.
(Should also mention that Oct to Jan, she spent about $5,000 (yes, that's THOUSAND) on psychic chat lines, musing about how she could pursue flings with men and not have me find out.)
January to March: All went downhill. All warmth evaported from our relationship. No intimacy. A few big fights. She leading a secretive life, hiding info about here whereabouts, locking down the computer and phone.
April: She agreed to counselling. We went together (I dragged her). Then we each went for individual sessions.
I thought it was a bad case of MLC. Counsellor thinks she has a 'love and affirmation addition' or worse, some kind of Cluster B personality disorder that's making her reach out for external attention/affirmation in any way she can get it (work accolades, friendship, affairs).
Currently: she's sleeping in another room, shooting daggers at me with her eyes; spitting venom with her words. Claims I might not be the father of our son. Says she thinks I'm gay. (I'm not). She has completely stopped contributing to our household financially and domestically. I am pretty sure she's out dating other men.
I have commented on this and criticized, really only from the perspective that she is shirking responsibilities related to our son (i.e., not paying his school tuition, etc. and instead spending all her $ on clothes, the salon and socialising)
Beyond that, as much as I can, I act disinterested in her life, work, etc.
I have told her that I do not agree that a divorce is our best solution, that she should face her demons and get some help... she owes it to our son to give us another try.
She says it's wrong for me to believe that our son will be adversely affected by D... that he will be anything but an amazing success in life.
For now, I have decided that I will just NOT discuss the logistics of D with her... in counselling or otherwise. I won't make it easy for her; won't validate her choice. I won't talk custody or splitting of assets with her. It doesn't suit me right now. If she pursues D, I've told her, she does it on her own.
For financial reasons and reasons of trying to secure custody of our son upon D, she hasn't left. But she is saying when we do D, she will sue for custody and alimony. (When she started this talk in the fall, she was talking co-parenting and wanting nothing from me financially, except to pay her portion of collective debt).
We also live away from our home country on work permits. She is under mine. If she leaves, she will be deported. And she likes her (secret) life (and secret boyfriends) here.
The complication is that my work permit expires in January 2013... and it's looking like it won't be renewed. Which means I have to move to one of the other two countries in which I have citizenship. She only has citizenship in one of those.
I'm networking and putting out feelers for a new job in another country come January... working under the assumption that my son will come with me (my lawyer says there's precedent for this where we currently live).
My wife works for a law firm, so I assume she's received the same info, which is one of the reasons she's so bitter right now. Like it or not, her destiny and being in my son's life is somewhat tied to my choices.
I'm trying not to be a jerk... not trying to hold her hostage, but out of necessity, I just have to make my own plans so I can continue to have a job and take care of my son.
Am I doing the right thing (specifically by not discussing terms of a D right now)? I'm really confused. H-E-L-P!!!
