Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

Yes, you keep talking to her.

You've said everything, she's heard it.

Now it's up to her and that's the hard part.

Let it be.

I hadn't really thought of that talk as antagonizing. Maybe I need to think about it differently. In any case, I am now in the right place emotionally to LRT completely with no more apologies.

I hadn't really made up my mind whether to move back. Perhaps I should have decided first, because really it was always conditional on whether she participated in any sort of improvement in the relationship, with the minimum level of participation being putting the divorce on hold and showing up to MC every once in a while to talk about what is or is not working. Maybe the talk should have been more like, "You have made your choice clear to me and have invested zero energy into improving this marriage even a little bit. I have to take care of myself and my kids. I'm moving back into the house on Tuesday. If there is some sort of change of behavior on your part, I'll consider other options."

Ha. I tried to make a joke to lighten things up about 2/3 through the call. I said, "If it were up to me to rearrange the alphabet, I and U would remain distant from each other until such a time that U felt comfortable changing that relationship." She didn't laught. 3 minutes later, she was spitting bile, calling me an a-hole, a liar (does she know that is a button for me?), distorting reality, and... I wish I could remember what she said before she hung up on me.

But now it is up to her. I've let go, and I will be OK with whatever happens. Which probably means we have the best chance ever of making progress. But I'm done making excuses and concessions for her.

I'll be nice. I'll accept whatever she has to say. I'll keep my distance. I'll give me money a crap-ton of money ( :-( ) and I will try to DB my best every day for the next year or so and wait and see what happens.

I'll have what is important to me - the best relationship with my kids that is possible and the knowledge that I did whatever I was able to do (accepting that other people would have detached sooner and done better) to save my marriage, my family, and fight for my children. I can fail at this and still be proud of myself.