I think we're all heading down into the valleys of the limbo land experience. We're done with this 'maybe' nonsense and we're ready to get our hands dirty and do some work as a married couple. But, like I told Burl today, if we try and force our H's into trusting our changes then our changes aren't changes after all. So...Pam, when are you planning YOUR weekend getaway??
PS: tons of positives there...GO YOU
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
O.K., gang, it is time for a little venting. And, probably a call from Betsey for intervention!
Let’s see, it is now Monday morning. When was the last time I heard from H? Why, when he asked if it was o.k. to call again. Not a single word from him yesterday.
You know what? I am so tired of this. Mainly, because he stuck me with a HUGE job to do for him. One of his “issues” is that he doesn’t like me to do things for him, because he feels then as though he “owes” me. Well, sitting here feeling hurt and neglected (once again) I realized that all I ever wanted was a “thank you” and perhaps a little bit of time together since by doing the errand or job for him, I freed up some of his time.
Once again, I am stuck. I cannot say anything to him about it, because I already know the response is going to be: “See? Every time you do something for me, I have to hear about it!”
Mostly though, I have come to this realization: He does not care about me. He didn’t care enough to have me be the person he wanted to speak to when he won or lost his games yesterday.
You can all say what you want, or make whatever excuses for him that you want, but there is no way that he could not have taken 1 minute to call and let me know what was going on with him. Or to check up on his children for that matter.
He knows that this is important to me, and that he chooses not to do it, well, that speaks volumes.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I just really deserve so much more.
Pamela, did you watch Terms of Endearment or something last night? And for God's sake, what's in your water? Snow filled with urine? Or is there some carbon monoxide poisoning in your house?
You need to leave the house immediately and go find a sober shark. If you can't find one, you need to go get a manicure and pedicure STAT!
Girl, the solution is within your reach.
First of all, you have the choice to say to your H (who DOES appear to love you and think about you, just not perfectly in synch with your times), "Honey, since you're going off and having some fun this weekend, do you mind if the chores slide until you get back because I'm going to be busy myself?"
Pamela, being a sports minded person, I could go where you are--about H/Mr. W. not calling to talk about the games with me. But the fact is that a football game is not a temp check.
He was very receptive to your convo the other day... or did you forget that?
Yes, I totally agree that he could call. This is grounds for bringing up the topic, not filing. And believe me, it came up in MC with us too.
Our MC said to Mr. W., "K, since it makes her feel so much happier and she's inclined to give you a cheery reception upon your return, what about calling is bad to you?"
He said, "I don't like anyone making demands of my time away." Talk about a butthead.
MC regrouped and said, "You've mentioned more than several times that you hate going away to come home to a snotty and unhappy Betsey. Well, if this is the solution to her being happy, what is wrong with you?"
I'm just saying that the stuff that really bothers you should go on a list to discuss in your next C session.
The rest of it? I would have to seriously think about it. Pamela, is it possible that your insecurity is driving you to become a mean shark instead of a nice one?
You've got SO much going for you. I would hate to take away your Fish Sobriety Award at this point.
Talk to us.... oh, and big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
{{{{{{Pamela}}}}}}, None of us chose to be in these situations. I totally understand !!! We're the working ants and they are the grasshoppers. Not fair!!! Yes, you do deserve better.
Now, it sounds like he is in P/A mode. There's not much you can do about that. DON"T DINE ON FISH!! I know that will be your first reaction when you do hear from him. CAn you quietly express your disappointment ?
I know, I know, not fair!!!!
But hey, don't listen to me. I'm not in a position ot give advice today. I'm in shark mode big time.
Hugs to you, Pam,
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Just one more thought. He is living at home, he has called you before. Couldn't it be he got caught up with the guys? Don't have fish today, make home the place he wants to come to.
Consolation, it's 10 degrees outside, and even though H told me not to do anything to finish preparing for the trailride, I am suppose to water the horses. We're the responsible ones.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
AHHHHH...all right, what the hell?!? I leave for what, a half hour, to go sign a medical release at S's school and I come back to a feeding frenzy! Bruce, you can stop licking your chops bud...you are having NO fish because I am NOT going to be the only one sober!
Pam, GET OUT OF THE POOL...there is blood in the water and it is causing you to revert back to instincts. You are stronger than this...don't eat him!
Now, let's just clear something up right now. NONE of us are attempting to make excuses for your H. Trust me, we all know that the WASs can do that just fine on their own. What we're doing is showing you that your fish friend is just being a fish. Not to annoy you, not to drive you mad with hunger...he's just acting like a fish!
He absolutely could call. He absolutely SHOULD call. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe when you told him that you wanted him to WANT to call...well...maybe it was you testing the waters. When he didn't call, you feel he was telling you that he didn't want to. For all you know (and I am willing to bet many clams on this) he didn't stop to think twice about the sentence. I don’t mean that he shouldn’t have, or couldn’t have…but aliens become even more alienated when they hang out with their own species.
No fish for you…come over, we’ll make some crock-pot plankton and watch Nemo for inspiration. Leave H a note on the counter saying “dinner is up to you, I’m over at Anchor’s for the evening. Hope you had fun!” and vanish.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
O.K! Thank You all! I must apologize for my boorish behavior!!! (and the feeling sorry for myself. That is just silly and pointless.)
Not 5 minutes after I posted, Guess who called??? You are smart girls, so I know you have the answer!
I did just what I was supposed to do. I remained cheerful and nice and pleasant. I will recap as best I can:
H:Well, we lost in the quartfinals. It was a long day. P: I'm sorry you lost. How did you play? H: Pretty good. P: Oh, I know that "pretty good" to you is "Great" to me, because you're always too hard on yourself and don't like to brag. H: (laughing) I knew I called you for a reason! P: I was worried about you yesterday. I was wondering what happened with your games. H: We didn't get done until really late. Any free time I had I used to get some work done. With working between games, and late into the night, and early this morning, I finally got thru my project." P: You must be relieved! H: I am! You know, I wish you would have come here. I know how you get into this stuff. You would have had fun. P: I'm sure I would have. Maybe next time.
Then we talked about the stuff I was doing for him. (Betsey, it can't wait...must be done by tomorrow. It's paperwork for registration for a whole soccer league.) Pretty good so far, huh? Well, I could end it here, or I could tell the truth. The truth is, then I got a little teary eyed. I decided I had to say something: P: I wish you would have called yesterday. I didn't know what was going on with you. H: I know. P: It's just that I ended our last conversation by saying that I want you to want to call, and then you didn't..." H: (sounding sad) I will call you as soon as we get to Vegas. P: O.K. H, I just miss the days when I was the first one you wanted to speak to, win or lose. I was really interested in what was going on with you. H: I know. H: (Laughing) What are you doing tomorrow night? (Let me explain this... for some reason, whenever I cry, he wants to have sex with me!) P: Well... H: (Sensing rejection) Never mind! P: You didn't let me finish! I was going to say, "Well, I'll be busy _____ing my husband." (laughing) O.K. then! I'll call you when I get to the next hotel.
So, I swam right past the blood in the water, girls.
Betsey, as much as it hurts to admit it...it is all about the insecurity. I just want something to go on, and I know you're all shouting, "YOU HAVE TONS TO GO ON!!!!" I guess I am stuck in a balck and white phase of wanting to hear: "I love you and I will do whatever it takes to make this work!" I know I was wrong here. But, for an impatient person like me, I think I've done pretty well up to this point! I won't let myself feel too badly over this latest backslide.
You know what? Last night I made myself write out all my horrible feelings. I saw that the last time I did that was on Dec. 28th. The weird thing? I went to the counselor in Jan. and told her our holidays were "Great!" (and I meant it!) I had no recollection of feeling that way on the 28th. I just thought that was interesting.
Thanks, girls, for the intervention. I have sobered up, and I feel a bit shameful....
By the way, typing is tedious enough for me. To do it in colors? Ugh! Is it still Monday?
If I didn't express myself well, Thank you all again. I would have been divorced by now several times over if I didn't have this BB to depend on to get me through the negative thoughts and hard times. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
That was my typing rendition of a whistle blowing.
You haven’t got one thing to feel ashamed about. So you had a little hunger that you were going to satisfy with guppy. The point is, you didn’t! You smelled the blood but you allowed the hunger to pass rather than indulging in it.
Our H’s are going to be butts for a while. We just need to remember that no matter how many wrongs they do, matching wrong with wrong never makes a right. We can’t indulge in this vindictive behavior (I’ll teach HIM not to call, the dirty rotten bastard!) because all we’re doing is proving to ourselves, to our H’s and to anyone else that we haven’t changed and it has all been a farce.
We’re more than happy to look out for your sobriety, as I am sure you are for us.
GO YOU!!!!!
And an extra GO YOU!!!! for the colors!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Your convo was perfect. You deserve the blue ribbon award today. And see what happened? You didn't eat fish. This is most excellent. You may help Anchor chair tomorrow's meeting with pride.
I think we need to figure out what happens or doesn't happen to start that insecurity feeding frenzy... something tells me it is something that can be "cured". So share when you're ready... and not a moment before.
Because you deserve to live without that obstacle hindering your progress.
GO YOU!
Bruce
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
