I have found myself getting angrier and angrier about the R between H and my son. His SS who he's raised since he was 9. S is now 16. When he moved out 2 months ago, he took with him the futon so then S could have a place to sleep when he visited that has never happened.
He comes over to "hang out" about once a week. Usually S doesn't even hang out in the same room with us. About a month ago, we had a talk about this. This was also the day of the last big R talk on April 8th.

He said he didn't want things to be weird between us. I told him two things lets not talk about other people in our lives to each other, let's just be friends. Also if you want me to be your friend then you have to take an active role in S's life. You said you would and you haven't. I can't respect you let alone be your friend if you're just going to walk out of his life like that. I reminded him of how he felt about a situation with his Dad visiting him and he said you're right, I'm sorry, I don't want it to be that way.

The next two weekends I was out of town and S stayed with him. It sounds (I didn't pry) as if he spent the entire of two weekends fri/sat nights with S, did not see GF.

When I returned I thanked him, I said that I appreciate that it meant giving up his weekends, etc. He said it was no big deal, they had fun, he was sorry it took him this long he was dealing with stuff and....yeah he's sorry. He said that he would take him to play squash next week. (he said this to me not S)

Next week came and went and since the 30th, he has seen S for all of 5 mins when he came over with the medication last week. He had a conversation with S about his school. He says when he does hang out with S, S doesn't really talk to him, he plays online or video games etc. I told him that he's 16, H is the grown up it's his job just to be there. He said over those weekends it did seem like they had fun, S talked to him more etc. But by the second day S seemed bored of him.

I reminded him about the squash thing and he said yeah I've just been a bit broke. The next week he tells me that he had gotten paid on Friday so he brought his mom flowers at work on Mothers Day. (So he had money over the weekend and didn't initiate anything with S)

So here's where I stand... It is ultimately his decision whether or not he pursues a relationship with S after our relationship. It breaks my heart as a mother that a man I let into our lives can just walk away from him.

It makes me question A LOT.....do I even want to be involved with someone who can do this?

It was a big hurdle for me. I had been a single mom before with a deadbeat dad. I think part of the reason we never had kids is that I was terrified of it happening again. He said I never trusted him, never gave him a chance because I always thought that would happen. He said he always felt ganged up on, like nothing he ever said was taken into account when it came to parenting, that S's opinion was more important to me than his.

I feel like S needs stability. Even if it was just every Wednesday night he hung out with H and had pizza or whatever. He needs to know that he's always there.

I don't know if I should bring it up. Last night I was up until 2am crying.

I have an amazing opportunity with work in August but it means living away from home for 3 weeks. I am now thinking of backing out. H had said "I think S sees it as me just baby sitting him and he doesn't like that. So in August I may just make it into me spending some nights here, some nights at mine and more like I'm dropping in at his place to see how he's doing" WTF?????

I do think S sees it as babysitting because the only time H has spent a considerable amount of time with him in the last 2 months is when I've been out of town and H HAD to be with him.

I don't think leaving a 16 year old to cope with a house for 3 weeks is a good idea. H's dad did it for weeks at a time when he was 16/17 and left him to care for his 14yo sister.

I don't want to frame it up as either we do it my way or I drop out of this project. But no project is worth me saying that was the summer my son got addicted to drugs/got a girl pregnant/whatever.

I've thought about saying if you don't want to live at mine for 3 weeks or have S live at yours for 3 weeks....how about the days that you're at your place but him on a train and he can stay at the hotel with me. (I was already thinking he'd come visit me for a few days...3 weeks is a long time!) But will that just make S feel like he's being shuttled around even more?

H wants S to feel responsible and independent, but I worry in this time of change it's not the right way to go about it. I worry S is just feeling rejected and that situation in August will make him feel worse.

Or am I taking this whole situation and projecting my feelings of rejection into it?

thoughts are welcome....because I'm tired of being alone in my head with it.