Wife wants out ASAP. Urgent help needed

[nb1712]

So just had a minor blow out with W. Some harsh words exchanged but I tried to be calm but did ask questions about our R and whether there is hope for the future, the usual stupid things that you should not do. She says we will never be together and she thinks hermoving out is for the best. I want to accept this and let her go but it is so hard. I really feel like if she goes that is the end of us. I worked rally hard at being distant and GAL and not talking about the R but it was a big backslide that basically proved to her that I have not changed at all. have I undone all my work from the last two weeks? How do I do this? It is too hard. I do not want her and the kids to leave. I dont think she will ever let me in again, she is too stubborn

[nb1712]

Well I have started the GAL project but the problem is my wife is way more advanced inthe GAL stakes. She has a complete life set up oitside of me and the kids. She has way more going on than me and unfortunately her independent life is sucking me back into the R the way I want my GAL to do. SHe seems to have somthing on every weekend plus her 2 hour gym sessions every night. She has no thought of me or the kids anymore. Does not want to take the kids out for days out. She only focused on what she wants. This is really not right. Any suggestions?

[nb1712]

Still no input from others to my post. I know we are all going through something similar but it would be nice to get some people posting some helping advice or the way that they were successful in the DB program. A bit disappointed to be honest

[nb1712]

sorry to say but dont think I will bother posting in these forums anymore. Not getting reponses so not going to bother. I will try to keep up the DBing but m really struggling with it. I am partivcularly strugglking with the lack of intimacy and lack of sex.I have even gone so far as to stupidly ask my WAW if we could have some no strings attached sex. This of course has pushed her away further and made her see that perhaps I cant do this living together as a separated couple thing. I amworking hard and will persevere. Lack of support here though is very dissapointing

[1702]

Hang in there. Even though I am new as well, the moderation keeps things from showing up immediately. You aren't alone. I know exactly how you feel. Follow up with my thread and you will see. there are many others in the same boats as ours. As many others say, be patient. I wish I could be more help and give u an answer that fixes everything, but I can't. If I had that answer, I truthfully wouldn't be here on a Saturday evening. I would be spending it with my W.

[vera be fierce]

What were some of your W's specific complaints? Have you worked on any of those issues? Are you in IC? What are your 180's?

[shockeddad]

I'm in the same boat. Not sure if my W is having an EA or not. I feel the same that I did all the wrong things and may have pushed her to far. It's hard to gal and look happy in front of her, but they say it's the best. You will have good and bad days, but it will get better. I'm trying to gal and give her space and time. Two weeks ago at mc, she said D would be the best, she hasn't filed yet. Hope for the best and look for support.

[peringo]

Saddle up with a shark of a lawyer, document all the time you are the primary parent... Show her that you a strong and will not be walked over, and if she wants a divorce, it will be ugly, and it will all be on her head.

You need to throw a hiccup in her plans.

[Dawn10275]

I'm soery you are going through this. I know how hard it it. I also feel as though my H has just moved on without me and his GAL is far nore advanced than my own.
I am trying to GAL. I try very hard to not breakdown and cry every day. We are seperated and have been since Oct. I have stopped calling ans texting him unless it involves the kids and it must be a legitimate reason with the kids.
You have to decide on your own to help yourself. No one can tell you when or how to do it. Someone on here gave me some great advise. Set your wife free. Imagine how great you will feel knowing you were able to set ypur W free. I promise you will so much better than you could imagine. I did almost 2wish weeks ago and I feel great. My confidence is returning.
Good luck I will be check back on you.

[adinva]

Hi nb1712 - So sorry that you're in this, and also that you posted for so long without getting responses. Not sure how, unless moderation kept your posts from appearing for a while. Your first posts were impressive. You seem to have a good sense of what to do, and you're doing a great job with acting as if, and keeping yourself positive around her. I loved the response you gave when she asked if you were going to move.

I think one of the hardest things to accept is how far gone the marriage is when someone lands here. That's why newcomers are told to focus on themselves, get a life, meet new people. Put your efforts where you can control things - improve yourself and you will feel powerful rather than a victim.

Because of your small kids I think you should get legal advice asap and track the time you are the primary caregiver. She probably assumes she can leave you and take the kids, so you need to find out what your rights are and how you can protect your kids. Legal advice will also help you understand better what you are dealing with. You don't need to tell her you're getting legal help, and you don't need to take any action, but get information.

I see you talking mostly about her. The more you post the more insight people might have into your situation to help steer you too asking yourself the right questions. There was one post where you talked more about you, and I thought your word choices might give a place to start:

The thing I am struggling the most with is knowing how to change. I have worked hard to be a good father, provider and I feel I have accomplished this and gotten better over time.

What are you to her other than a father to her child and a provider to the family? What were you to her? What did she see in you and you in her, and did that change over time? How did you express love to each other and how did you resolve conflict? What kind of a husband were you to her? Did having the responsibilities of parenthood and supporting a family suck the life out of your personality and relationship?

Clearly I have not been the best husband but I dont know why. Can you be too soft?

Dig a little deeper. Were you there for her, in the way she needed you to be? Can you really not come up with more of your responsibility in what happened than the possibility that you were too soft? What does soft mean? Some men think they're being nice by withholding their opinions when what they're doing is being passive aggressive, or just passive, or destroying intimacy. Something to think about.

I have let her have more freedom in the last 6-12 months to pursue her interests as I felt this was reasonable after being nothing but a mum for 5 years.

Wow. I could have put this one first as it was where I started to really feel reactive about your choice of words. You "let" her have more freedom - sounds like you are controlling, perhaps see yourself as the master of the family, are somehow doing her a favor by letting her meet her needs. There's probably more backstory here that will make you appear more reasonable but having only this to go on suggests there were problems in your marriage related to the balance of power. She has shifted the power and it probably feels good to her right now.

OK, "nothing but a mum" also popped out at me, as a mom myself. That sounds really demeaning. Did you respect her mothering? Did you notice all the physical work and emotional challenges of being a mom? Did you appreciate them, help with them, give them the respect equal to what you would give a wage-earning job? Mothering is hard and thankless work. Did she get breaks? Did she express herself about the difficulties and how motherhood affected her? A lot of women have a much lower sex drive when the demands of being a mom come front and center. Talk more about "nothing but a mum" - maybe there's some work you can do here. Try to resist the impulse to be defensive and argue back about how actually you really were blameless. Look hard, and harder, at any potential blame you can take on, because that is your key - it is what you have the power to claim and change, and hopefully catch her notice.

I have always tried to be affectinate and tell her how beautiful she looks etc whereas she ahs never really initiated affection or sex in very long time. But thsi was normal for us because she had weird ideas that if she "seduced me" that makes her a whore even though I am her husband.

It sounds like words and physical touch aren't her love languages - do you know about the 5 Love Languages theory & book? It's about figuring out what really shows love to your spouse, in their 'language'. When you begin to fill up their 'love tank' they feel loved. It would be good to put this on your reading list. Consistent with DB principles, it's about trying things and noticing the results. The seduction/whore comment is kind of a standout in your post. She may have unresolved issues about sex that went unnoticed in the marriage. She may need counseling to overcome them and have a fulfilling sex life. Recognize that for now you're the only one who can do any work because you're the only one who wants to save the marriage. Expect nothing from her at this point, just figure out what went wrong with you and work on that.

I have thought back to who I was when we first dated and that person is still me but now I am also a father and provider.

Tell us more about who that was/is then. What are your attractive qualities? What will make you an amazing partner to whoever you're in a relationship with next, whether it be your W or someone else?

Hopefully you will start to get some help from the wiser veterans around here but I may have given you some ideas to start digging into. I hope you'll read other posts and comment to them while you wait for responses to your own. That's half the value of being active here: the support of a community and the ability to practice implementing the things you're working on.