Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2

[bustorama]

I am dropping dropping the rope 1.) because I want to and 2.) I am short on options that still leave me with a shred of dignity.

Dropping the rope is also accepting her and her wishes. Isn't that respecting her the most? "You want to pull away from me and D me? OK, W (drop rope)"

A few close female friends saw the heated e-mail she sent me yesterday and think that in a few days she will start feeling bad about it because it was a heated over-reaction.

No doubt. That you are so anxious that she is/was mad at you and want to do something to make her less mad at you, to soothe things over has been part of the ongoing problem. You have been owning your W's anger and unhappiness (and even anticipating it, seeking to head it off, corral it, keep it at bay, under control, for fear that she might "REALLY" leave you, D you, etc.).

Let her be mad at you, blame you, SEETHE at you. Let her D you. Let her work through all of her emotions and figure it all out for herself. It's not your responsibility to manage or control or head off her emotions. Don't own her anger or take responsibility for it or try to fix it or defend yourself against it or justify yourself in response to it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W."

or, instead of just giving the silent treatment,

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W. I get that you are really upset and disappointed about this situation. I can't respond to you, though, if you are going to communicate with me with such hostility." Boundaries are especially useful if you communicate to others what they are. That way they can choose to mind them (or not), instead of having to mind read your intentions.

Frankly, I don't know if she will or won't - I just know that there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her after that.

That's right, don't accept crap behavior from her or anyone else. You can acknowledge/validate her anger/disappointment, etc., but don't accept her being verbally abusive to you or let yourself be guilt tripped.

It sux, because every thread of my moral fiber wants to talk to her...wants to make her NOT mad at me....wants her to want to work on things

This is exactly part of the problem. It is the fixer/controller in so many of us. Let her be pissed off. Let her not want to work on things. This is you pulling back on the rope. DROP IT.

Perhaps it was devine timing, but I had a psych appointment yesterday. I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right.

In other words, you are (still) not detached. Has your Dr. given you suggestions on how to detach from your W and the R?

- but I think she is bailing out too fast and may have regrets someday. I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it.

Let her figure this all out herself. You can't show her or tell her. She doesn't feel this way now -- not your responsibility to wait for her or convince her otherwise. She's a grown, thinking woman.

I hope I can muster the strength to do it.

This you have total control over. So, more than hope, do.

I hope someday she finds the desire to come back.

This you have no control over. So, better to detach from it.

Crimson [/quote]