Did you make a decision to have a family bed or did this just happen?
labug There was never a formal discussion about it so you can say I just happened. I am trying to figure out in my head how to detach and still be in the same house with W and 3 kids who have something going all the time, and they don't know about our sitch. I asked W when she dropped the bomb how financially she was gonna make it, she had no idea... Neither one of us can afford house alone.asked if she talked to L , her response was do we even need one? (really!!). This women would research a water-pic for 3 days but best I can tell has done zero on how this will effect our kids and family.Been almost a month and she has showed no interest in discussing our R, and thus far I have not pressured her on it.
Apparently, your W did no research on how unhealthy it would be for a 9yr old girl and a 6yr old boy (or whichever the two are) still sleeping together with both parents would be. So, my guess is that was her way of putting walls in the bed to keep out intimacy.....but who knows. Any man would resent having two half-grown kids in the bed with him & W every night! If your lives are too busy due to the kids schedules, etc., it is too busy to "schedule" times & places for sex. Even if you did, it would not replace the emotional intimacy that is needed in a MR.
Considering what you're W has experienced, and her age, she may be thinking that her emotional fulfillment, ego boost, feeling special, sexy, important, etc., will not come through you. If she's felt like this for a long time, then she's given up emotionally on the M. However, she's still a woman and emotionally vulnerable. That leaves her wide open for some other man to say something....or just look into her eyes while she talks....and wham! She's attracted! It really doesn't stop from happening just b/c you know where she is 99% of the time.
She's told you she doesn't want you coming in and being so helpful with the housework, or whatever. So, stop doing so much. She resents it. Mainly, keep your own stuff picked up/cleaned up. Otherwise, it comes across as you over-killing and it turns her off. See what I mean? If you try too hard, it has the opposite desired affect on her.
Work on yourself, but not in a way that you're showing out in front of her. Like the boy who wants to show off his muscles. Don't announce that you're going to the gym or running, etc. Work on having better manners. Be more thoughtful in public & in front of family/friends. Never, ever make a joke about her or embarrass her.
Whatever your personality is.....make it better. Work out the kinks. No, you're not too old to change! Everyone can change if they want to badly enough.
Be happy. Do things that you enjoy and that make you better. Play with your kids. Make them giggle and have fun. Don't do it as a way of "showing her" what a great guy you are, but most women do like to hear their children laughing and having fun with the dad.
Just remember, if she thinks you are doing any of this as a ploy to win her....it won't work. Expect her not to believe your changes will last. And, if you do them for her....they won't. Changes must be for yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi and sorry you're in this boat. I'm a LBW with in-home separation going on just about a year now. While there are some specifics to my situation that vary from yours to make mine the way it is, I can speak a little about the points you brought up.
I can give you the W side of the family bed issue. We did the same. We did not research it and decide - yes - we want to have our babies in our bed for the next nine years. But it just kind of happened. We loved being with them all the time, especially me. I nursed mine in bed so we didn't have to wake up, and they slept with us much of the time. They had their own beds and so they weren't entirely in ours, and we did manage to find time to ML. A lot of couples swear by Saturday morning cartoons. But there is an emotional toll that it takes if you don't work at staying connected. My kids are now 12 and 14. My 14yo almost never sleeps with us, but if he's stressed out or misses the dog that also sleeps with us, we'll sometimes find him wrapped up around the dog between our feet in the morning. My S12 is more cuddly and less independent, and he'll fall asleep watching tv with us, or want to be in our bed more often than his brother, but for the most part they've both grown out of really sleeping with us, and they are fine with us kicking them out. So I do not think you're weird for having a 6 and 9 year old in your bed.
I do think that you need to recognize, with your W, that it would be better for them and you to get them used to being in beds of their own now. It wasn't a problem before, but now you two have some issues you need to work out, and this can help. Have that conversation.
I'm so glad you didn't move out when you got the bomb. Based on what you described, and the things she said she wants, it doesn't sound like she is set on divorcing you. My advice would be follow the rules as much as you can - don't pursue her, work on you, GAL, be a man anyone would be a fool to leave. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Find out more, if you can, of what's gone wrong and work like heck on it. Do not bargain and tell her that she needs to work on herself too, or blame her, or make excuses. If you need to fix something in yourself just do it with no expectations of her. That's attractive. Pointing the finger back at her is not, and it's premature right now.
If she recognizes the possibility that things can get better, she'll possibly decide to work on her half of the stuff too, but don't think about that. Just fix you.
I would suggest that you read Five Love Languages and see if any of that resonates. If your partner doesn't know how or is not willing to fill your 'love tank' with the things that are meaning ful to you, you lose your connection and attraction to your partner. Start filling the tank again. It's possible with the co-sleeping that she loves physical closeness. If you try a nonsexual hug or brief shoulder massage when you pass by, would you get a pleased response or a recoil?
Also, if she's interested in working on things, you might look for Retrouvaille workshops, as many on these boards have said they can help restore the connection. I'm looking at them myself, although my situation is pretty far gone.
I hope that your bomb turns out to have been more of a warning notice. I'll follow along, hope you keep posting.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Many people choose the family bed and it works for them. But like everything else in life, when it is no longer working, it's time to try something else.
But I don't think that is at the root of your problem.
I think Ad is right, stay put in the house, work on yourself and just let things be for now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for your good advice. Adinva our family sleeping started in much the same way as yours, first child was a difficult eater and it was easier for wife to have him in bed as she wanted to all feelings if she was there, so I know it wasn't done as a wall to intimacy. ML where pretty good, did make time and places and only declined in last few months but was still happening fairly regularly. Only since bomb night has our M become a no touch zone, I have on few occasions in last month given nonsexual touches W didn't recoil but seemed rather indifferent to them. On mothers day I did give her a gift I knew she had wanted, she almost cried and she gave me hug, that kinda shocked me to be honest but am not reading anything in to that. My W has never been a touchy freely person but is affectionate..
The GAL part I am struggling with between the kids schedules and all the things that need to be done at home,( keep in mind W complained that I was lazy and didn't do enough around here) how do I take time for me and let W see that I am willing and ready to carry my share at home, this is one of my 180's. I should have been doing all along and it does make me feel better to see the house and property look better.
W is still not talking about R but is talking about things that seem to include me. W wants to do some pretty major renovations around here but how do I tell her I'm not really comfortable about the the financial investment in the house if it's just gonna b sold if we can't work things out. Somehow i think W thinks she'll be able to keep house, im the financal one in R, i know she cant Seems to go against no R talk until W is ready?
I am working on me and my issues, tonight something happened that normaly would have made me angry and I would have let it be known. I just went about what needed to b done "as if" it was no problem and was pleasant and upbeat afterwards, seems I can make progress.
I hope and pray my bomb was a warning but can't and won't count on it.
M44 W42 S10 D9 S6 4/19/12 ILYBNILWY Still together
This weekend went as the last month has.Sat family went to D game in morning after that S10 and I worked on getting pool open.W came down and did some clean up work to the area.Sunday more kid activities until midafternoon then more yard work.
Monday is one of my days to meet the school bus for kids.W gets home couple of hours later.GAL has been hard for me so I was going to go out after W got home to give her some space, as per her request, I would rather be home with kids & W. Well kids come out and say W said they could go swimming I asked if mom was coming out to watch them, I was told W was making supper. My response was I guess your not going swimming then.Kids tell mom that dad wont watch them.W ask me why I wont watch them swim.This is where I had to say I was gonna go out for awhile, isn't that what you asked me to do, not be around house as much, give you space?Could tell this stuck a nerve.No response from W. So I asked again Isnt that what you want.Do what you want was W answer.
I stayed and let kids go swimming, was that wrong? After swim suppertime W did not seem irrataed, was pleasent meal.When we where alone later I said I was not trying to be difficult with her and was just trying to give her space and time she asked for but was having hard time figuring out when to do that, with everything that needs to be done with kids and property maintance.Wondered if there where times that she would like to be givin this space and time, she told me she couldnt really think of certain times.Rest of night went well small talk about things that intrest us both.
I want to ask her, but wont, why the is no touching between us, after the bomb drop all contact stopped.I dont want to push her on this but also dont wanna try mind read either. I dont know just letting my mind wonder i guess
Then do that. If she wants "space" she can go to another room. Or take the kids out. She can't make you leave.
Sounds like your W feels you're a wuss. She equates manliness to you being able to be assertive and a little authoritative. So maybe you need to show her a little of that.
"I want to ask her, but wont, why the is no touching between us, after the bomb drop all contact stopped."
This is what I'm talking about. You don't ask her why there is no touching. She doesn't respect you. She's not attracted to you right now.
What have you done to get back your confidence? That is the key here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond I appreciate your reply it has given me much to think about. I do belive I have been living in W shadow for quite sometime. I have decided I won’t do this anymore that I do need to GAL and she can come along if she wants, that will be her choice.
As for the space issue I know she’s angry that our M has come to this point. With our history and amount of years together there have been discussions (fights) about some of our issues before and W said that things got better for awhile but then back to the same ole’ thing. I always tried to change for her not me. W is angry because why now can I work on myself and sustain change, in the past I never took it to seriously, these fights always came at times where there was stress and/or hormones involved or so I thought.
W wants to be in control of everything this she pretty much told me. With all that’s going on w/her mom and BFF I think this is only part of her life she feels she can have control over. She told me to leave but when I agreed that separation was probably best she asked me to stay. Asked for space but then doesn’t know how or when she wants it. Example last night she told me after dinner that she was bringing kids to video game store to get D something she wanted, I said ok. As they were leaving W ask aren’t you coming with us? I said no I’m gonna run to store and then take motorcycle for ride to clear my head and do some thinking, she seemed surprised by that and when I got home later seemed rather quite so I did not try to strike up conversation as most nights, whereas one of W complaints was that I’m quite and withdrawn. She also took day off from work today which is not normal I asked if she had plans for the day and just got maybe I’ll clean my closet or cut some trees down (something she has talked and planned to do). I am not reading anything into this but I know that she doesn’t miss work often. I am quick learner and fairly smart but Detaching from someone who you still live with and love is still giving me some trouble, how can you do this and not seem like you just don’t care? I also come to terms that I will be ok no matter how this R turns out, my kids love me and I love me, want my W to love me but that’s her decision not mine.
I am quick learner and fairly smart but Detaching from someone who you still live with and love is still giving me some trouble, how can you do this and not seem like you just don’t care?
Detaching is more of mental attitude than anything else. Once you've got it down mentally, the rest will fall into place.
What if you had a female cousin that lived in the house with you? At first, you might tend to treat her like company, but eventually you would go on about your life. You wouldn't be a jerk or act mean toward her, but neither would you make her the center of your life. That's kind of how you need to deal with your W. I know.....you still love her, but that's not going to stop. I'm just trying to give you an idea of how to deal.
When she's in the same area (such as a ball game), don't snub her, but neither do you put your focus on her. Be respectful, just as you would toward a relative being there.
If I could tell you just how much it turns the WAW off for the H to act all clingy and asking for assurances, etc., you surely would have the strength to detach. However, in times past whenever I would be that frank with a LBH, then I would be under attack, either from other board members or the rejected H.
"I want to ask her, but wont, why the is no touching between us, after the bomb drop all contact stopped."
She doesn't want to be your W. That usually includes no more physical touching. If touching is the way you relate, or your love language, or something you can't live without in a MR......just think how difficult it has been for her if she needs emotional touching to relate. A lot of men never understand this, but if you can....then maybe you'll see why she doesn't want touching now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Detaching is more of mental attitude than anything else. Once you've got it down mentally, the rest will fall into place.
If I may elaborate: The mental aspect is the beginning of detachment. It takes time and will to fake it till you make it so to speak.
The goal is to achieve a tolerable level of emotional independence, so you can function normally or get off the rollercoaster as it were.
This is as opposed to emotional dependence upon another person, whose words, actions and choices determine your level of sadness, anger or happiness. If you continue to let them have such power over you even when they may be oblivious to it, what kind of existence is that?
It takes time and effort, but there really isn't any wise alternative.
Prayers Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
