Thought I would finally Journal about my contact with my w on Sunday. Not as much processing as I thought. Thankfully, very little obsessing...
.. let's hope I just remember it right.
It started with her asking me how I was. I paused for a brief moment before saying I was good.
She said "You seemed surprised that I would ask how you are doing"...
... I said nothing in reply.
We proceed to talk about the next steps. I was surprised how upbeat I was. No act, I just got done with a great weekend of work and finished having celebration drinks with the director..
... so maybe the Vodka relaxed me a bit.
At one point we talked about the health insurance check. She asked why I waited so long to send. I reinstated my boundary. She replied that she wasn't screwing me over and that she just never goes to the bank.
It's funny - the first two months... I sent two different checks together (car insurance, health insurance) - every month she cashed one and not the other... so her bank excuse.. was just that an excuse.
I do not point this out though. There is no need to call her a liar. Maybe she believes her own story. I know the truth though.
She asked me if I would send it at the beginning of each month. I said - I would be more than happy to if she would cash it promptly.
She agreed.
We continue to talk now about taxes in which she somehow slips it in that I am either really busy that I want to drop off my taxes off to our accountant.. or that I don't want to see her.
I tell I don't want to see her. Not in the way I thought I would though.
I told her that money was a hot topic for us and that I was tired of the negative interactions between us. I was tired of being scared or fighting anger... tired of her spewing her anger at me.
That the way we have conversations is not who I am or strive to be and since it could not be the way I wanted, I preferred not to meet.
She said she understood. That she panics every time she has to call...she never knows how she will be.. or I will be.
I found it interesting she said herself first.. but I validated.
She started opening up a little bit. I am actually quite a funny cat and had her laughing numerous times.
But somehow she talked about how we only talked every two months and that how it sukked that it was business...
... I can't exactly say how she said things.. but she said it in a way that confused me. I no longer knew if we were talking about our relationship or the D.
So I just said - well I just went off your cue. From what I can see.. you have moved on, want nothing to do with me, and need to find yourself.
I support and accept your decision and am doing the same.
Her response was how we will each perceive things the way we want to.
By now I was really confused on what we were talking about.. so as KD says "I poked the bear"
I asked her to tell me if I was wrong.. and she closed up instantly...
... whoops.. seems she still has thing when she closes us when she has revealed too much info.
In short she told me that she doesn't know until after she is no longer legally tied to me.. that right now she has too many feelings.
So.. same ole same ole. After 1 yr, I thought I would do a temp read. I won't be asking again.
I said nothing in return.
She asked me where the accountant's office was. I said in Burbank.
W: I never go to Burbank. M: That's a shame. Burbank is so great. W: You live in Burbank? M: No I don't. W: Oh.. you go there for work?? M: No.. not exactly.
Next topic....
I told her that I was trying to get everything done by June 1st and that I was trying to do my part. That I wanted to get done with everything including Chicago.
W: Oh.. Chicago. Do you know what papers we need to sign? M: Yeah. I looked it up awhile ago. W: So I'll need to print those us too? M: Yeah. That way it will all be taken care of. W: Great.. one more thing I have to take care of.
Next topic.
For those of you who dont know - letting her take care of things is a HUGE 180 for me. I'm the care taker.
She informed me that it was a crazy week as school so she wouldn't be able to call our accountant right away (She stated she needed to talk to him on the phone.. caz she has no clue what she is doing ever in regards to this).
M "Ok. Well it's both of our money so we should both be comfortable. Just let me know what you think".
W:"K... well if you want to send me the Chicago paperwork.. I woudn't mind" (with a cute chuckle)
M: "K well I gotta run. Just keep me posted and I'll talk to you later".
And that was it. This got a little long so I'll save what I feel about it for another post
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
