At the beginning of this year I ran into some friends coming out of the bank. Our children had been in soccer and school together. They live a few hundred yards from our house and over the years we had spent time together, birthday, graduations parties and the like.
When I ran into them they seems shocked and uncomfortable leaving rapidly. I chalked it up to XW posting about our D on FB and dismissed it. A few weeks ago I was visited by our neighbor. He wanted to know how I was getting along. I was surprised he knew about the D and asked how he came to know. He had received a Christmas letter from XW outlining the D, her reasons, how she was growing, and what she hoped to accomplish in the future. The Christmas letter came with the Christmas card she sent. I was a little taken aback by the manner she chose to announce our D. It did not bother me much and I chose to let it go.
About a week ago my boss informed me his family had received the same Christmas letter. I made a discreet inquiry of other people on what used to be our Christmas card list. It seems XW decided to send a copy to everyone. This began to bother me. I vented to some friends.
Of course I received support from my friends and the discussion prompted some more introspection I would share here.
When I met XW she was estranged from her parents a runaway. I was a newly minted Marine Sergeant full of confidence. She was struggling to make a life for herself. Everything I touched became golden. Thus began our dance. When the music began to die fresh drama would ensue and the dance continued. We became comfortable and tired in our roles. This is too simplistic of an explanation to cover the scope of our life together, but it will serve here.
Recently she grew and began to attempt to rescue. The rescuer has a control component. I resist control for I too am predominately a rescuer. Our children by their nature will not accept control easily. My mom will not be rescued. She asks for assistance with a clear boundary. XW eventually found people to rescue and transferred many emotional attachments to those. She asked me once why I thought she did this. My answer now is considerably better informed than it once was. Too late, but knowing provides some solace.
When our music began to die fresh drama ensued. I did not see her projects with the same perspective she did. I could not rescue with her when she tried to enlist me. Tired of the drama I began to push her to reconcile with her parents. I think she perceived this as a betrayal. Trying to move on, to grow I was pushing her to grow with me as she was pulling me to join her and her projects. The further we went the further apart we became.
Her Christmas letter is another repeat of the pattern an attempt to start the music anew. I am cast as the villain, she the victim struggling against great odds, a heroine to be admired and supported. Not the same, but still similar to the girl I met so many years ago. Less a victim, yet still victimized. It is a repeat and attempt to move on to find another partner upon the triangle. Not directly, her story forms the basis of her reality, what she is moving to.
I understand now how clearly I contributed. I see the battle, no longer am I in the firefight. Moving on I will choose to associate with greater care finding another upon a similar path with similar growth. I require a drama free zone. Will I attain this, no not 100% of the time, but right now a drama free zone is very attractive.
As I cycle through this journey again there is no blame to assign. We each played our part. I pushed, she pulled. From my perspective she wanted to go back down the rabbit hole and I wanted to find another place to be alive. I feel sad for her as she repeats. I cannot accompany her on her journey and be whole. Of course I still love her we have shared too much to not. I do not like this persona or the journey she is on. It is toxic to me. These are my rationalizations for abandoning our relationship, my reality to use as a basis to move on from.
Have I finally accepted all of this? I cannot state true as I will only know after when I cease cycling, when the next adventure begins. Wiser from this one I am.
What has God left for me to teach myself?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
WOW......JustStunned I really have no words to describe what that must feel like. To announce to everyone via a Christmas letter your personal business. I am by nature a very private person regarding my personal life...so this would have been a MAJOR sore point with me.
But KUDOS to you for the way you have handled it. Your marine training is showing with this!
JS my W told many about the D. I know exactly the feeling regarding neighbors. Mine act pretty weird when they see me. In fact I think they avoid me and hide. Pretty sad. I think your W did the letter thing to tell herself that there is no going back. That is how I see it. That was a response I got, "we have gone too far, the process is in motion, can't stop the D now". And I don't think you ever stop teaching yourself new lessons. Keep moving forward.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
@AprilT: I admit I fussed and fumed for a couple of hours after determining everyone on our old Christmas list received a copy. My friends were very supportive and so has this board been. Thank you! I declined several offers of a copy. What would be the point? What’s done is done. My boss said the letter made her seem nuts. I am taking his impression to indicate she was still in crisis when she sent it.
Yes I have employed skills learned long ago and new methods learned here. Not everyone can earn their EGA, but it is not needed to learn these coping skills or to thrive after passing through.
@Rick:If her intention is to tell herself and other there is no going back, then this is only the most recent occurrence. I agree with you. My father used to tell me when we stop doing, when we stop learning, we start dying.
@KD:Yea, now is not the time to get wound around that axle. We’ve made it far you and I farther than I thought when this began, but I suspect there is a vet or two that knew if only we did the work…
@SS:Thanks!
Know everyone that you can go farther faster if you begin to do the work upon yourself and let your S do whatever they do.
Journaling:My youngest will be moving closer to home. He will be stationed at a recruiting office about 30 minutes drive from my house. There is a duality to this. On one hand I am very very happy I will have a greater chance to spend time with him and get to know his wife and my granddaughter. On the other hand I worry how they will interact with XW and if that relationship will become damaged. I am not spending much energy here at all, still it warrants mentioning. I recognize and acknowledge it is their relationship at risk.
I spoke with him today about the good news. I did not express my concerns about XW. I did let him know I would help him where I could and I would not intrude. I will wait for an invitation to visit. I do want to see them, and IMO this will best occur after they have settled a little.
All week my department has hosted several of our counterpart associates from Germany. They will be setting up a system similar to one we have been working with for many years. We have bumped our heads and stubbed our toes doing this and they hope to avoid some of the pitfalls we discovered. Couple this with interviewing for two open positions in addition to my daily work and it has been a rather busy week.
Friday night my niece and her fiancé will be in town visiting SIL2. There is to be a small family gathering and I have been invited to attend. Then there is the weekend to GAL the sh!t out of. Next week I have business travel to Boston for a few days to meet with information system vendors.
My L called yesterday and encouraged me to move enough 401K money to cover XW portion into a less risky investment. I took his advice and it has been accomplished. The way the decree is structured she is to receive a set amount based on the reported value at the time the degree was filed. A decrease in value now will be painful to me and given some of what is happening elsewhere in the world it seems prudent to secure at least that amount.
Mostly I am good, marking time working upon me until I can begin to move forward again everything in its time. I’ve decided to keep journaling for a time. The sitch I know best is this one perhaps there is still good to be had for someone from it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
