looking for hope

[jc180]

My W has filed for a continuance for the social study. We are going to argue against it but in all likelyhood it will be ordered. If that's the case we will ask for discovery and that she pay all the fees. Once again my attorney suggested they are dragging things out to drain my funds. So back to court I go. I wish I had a time machine to go back and tell my W how her future self is behaving. She would never believe it.

Saw my shrink today. It was a good session again. Lots to think about. One is why is my W postponing the D? Since the beginning she has been adamant about divorce. She never wanted to even try separation. She always wanted her "freedom". Also, why is she fighting so hard for full custody when I already agreed to joint? She always seemed to prefer going to the gym over coming straight home to see my son. It seems to me he would weigh down her freedom. I was the maternal one who stayed up late at night for feedings and when he was sick. Does she not remember that? I think this is all her way of punishing me. In the past when I asked her why we couldn't move on towards reconsiliation she told me "I think I just want to make you suffer". Well she is doing a great job.

I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore. I still love her and want to DB as much as possible but I don't see how it could even work. I hardly ever see her and when I do it is only for a few minutes in passing. She barely speaks to me. So how do I DB in this situation. I know GAL is for me but isn't part of it to show her that ive changed for myself and isn't that supposed to stir some feelings in her? At what point do you know that it is hopeless? When I told my therapist what she said when I confronted her about being on birth control she told me it sounds like she told you exactly what she has planned. That hurts so much. To think that she is already ready, willing, and able to jump into bed with whoever. What happened to my sweet conservative wife? I don't know what to believe. I still want to believe her so much when she tells me she hasn't slept with anyone. That was so long ago now. Who has she become?