GM... The "we" statements do make your head spin a little bit, I know they did me. Xh still uses them. I stopped using them a year ago.
So if Im understanding this right, is your H consistently throwing new options on the table in regards to the refinancing so it will be the best option for you both? It sounds like he can't make his mind up.
What do YOU think should be done about the financing of the house? Go for what you want and what will work for you in the long run.
Kimmerz is right...do what is best for you...I did that with my recent financial wrangling, made my choices on W NOT being there, if she is, great! If not, I can handle it myself without her (even got the new account setup in my name only...W hasn't seen this yet...but we can convert to joint account when I see/hear what I need from her).
Also, you may want to talk with L and/or accountant about this...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
golf mom, When did your h learn french? LOL! We this, we that and we the other. They live in both worlds and trust me, there is no we in his future as it stands right now. It's out of habit that he is using the word "we" in conversations w/you. The only thing that he is trying to do is control you and manipulate you into doing what he wants right now. Before you do anything, speak to an expert on this stuff. I would seriously step back if there is PMI involved because you are talking about the next five years and let's face it, your h may still be on the Mother Ship during that time. Listen to your gut...seek some professional advice on this. He's not looking out for your best interest...remember it's all about "me", not "we".
His lease may be up in the next month...I would be very interested in knowing just where he thinks he will be staying. I don't think he's planning to return home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But here's a thought. Get professional advice. Your H won't like that most likely, but it's important to set the emotion aside and get it anyway. You need to protect yourself and assume he will leave.
Keep your expectations to zero. If you have none, you won't be disappointed. If it works out that he changed his mind, then great. Deal with it then. If not, then you won't be tied into a 30 yr contract with him without some protection. That would be really bad, trust me.
This is strictly financial. Another angle is that he feels guilty and wants to do something to assuage his guilt. It could just be about him only.. Since you don't know, don't worry about it. Let things play out as they play out without expectations and don't take any more risk than you can accept.
My $0.04 worth.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you for all of the replies. This has put me on tilt. I've been doing pretty well this week and now I feel like there's a backslide coming. I need to call my H back and ask all of the necessary questions. I want to keep it business-like, but I've had a hard time doing it before. I need to find the courage to simply ask him how he benefits from the refinancing, but that will lead to a R discussion that I don't want to have. I don't need to hear more of the same hurtful stuff. But really, this is craziness. As far as the refi being a good deal for me, it is on the face of it. Because of the terrible housing market any loan I get with my H or on my own will have PMI. As soon as we have good comps in our area we should be able to get the PMI removed, but I need confirmation of that. Also, I will need something in writing which states that if we refi together I won't be forced too refi on my own once the D is final. See, that's what is so crazy about this. My H was adament that his name be off the loan ASAP and now not only is he willing to have his name on a new loan, but he seems willing to have this loan indefinitely. I'm going to find out how he chose to work with this broker. Maybe the two of them have a hidden agenda.
GM, I think you could get all those answers without having to speak to your H. call the powers that be and ask yourself. You know all the info they would need to give you those answers.
Think of yourself and your boys and what's in your best interest.Decide what YOU want and then proceed.
Personally I wouldn't discuss this with him until you have your answers. Maybe you feel the need to answer him, but the truth is you don't have to. Unless its a matter of life and death or very important, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. He's engaging you and making you feel bad because as soon as you get some wind under your sails, here he comes again. Believe me I know!!
If and when he gets mad about your taking matters into your own hands just tell him what I told my XH. " This is divorce. It's time we treated it as such and acted accordingly".
My XH was so damn wishy washy through this whole ordeal. It wasn't until I got my attorney and started the ball rolling on my end did I get any participation from him.
Remember GM there were two of you in this marriage. Don't forget what you're legally entitled to and do not be afraid to fight for it. Your H is fighting for what he feels entitled to through this MLC of his. You have your rights too. I didn't get much out of my divorce, but I did get some self respect back and Im so glad I fought for what I wanted.
OMG! Major backslide. I knew I wasn't ready to have a conversation with my H. Of course, the refinancing is something he was doing to help me. It had nothing to do with us. How could I have been so dumb? Our conversation was pleasant, but once he felt backed into a corner by my questions he became impatient and wanted to get off the phone. Once I started asking the questions I couldn't stop. I was frustrated that he wouldn't answer. Why did I do that? He said this was one of the problems in our relationship. I'm really trying to understand why there is a communication problem and which one of us is the major source of it. It would really be helpful to go to MC to figure that out, but that's not happening. One of my frustrations is his inability to give a concrete answer. I was asking about what happens after we take care of the business side of our relationship. I really just wanted to hear him say that he sees no future, etc. I went as far as to ask whether he was involved with a specific person and whether he had crossed the line I drew regarding having sex and he wouldn't answer saying "I'm not going to discuss my personal life with you." Why won't he just say it? Then he can be rid of me. The conversation was unemotional on my part. I almost starting laughing it was so comical. We were talking in circles. He would say something that led me to ask a clarifying question and he would back track and become noncommittal. Basically, he is having a hard time saying it's over. It's like it needs to evolve to finality without him saying it. What's that about? I don't understand why he will not give me an answer to will help me decide whether I continue to hope and pray for reconciliation or focus solely on my own healing. Why won't he just close the door if that's what he wants especially since he seems so exasperated by me. I really need to understand is his CA personality the problem or am I asking for too much when I seek clarification? If it's me, I really need to know that. One thing I do know is that when he's done talking I need to let him end the conversation or I need to end it before hand otherwise he sees it as more of the same controlling behavior. Maybe it is. I need to reflect on that. It's hard for me to end communication with him when I feel I didn't get any answers. Is that controlling? I need to know the truth.
golf mom, When the mler feels threatened, they will talk in circles and you will not get straight answers. Think back to when you were a teenager and your parents would question you about something that you didn't feel comfortable addressing. You might have hemmed and hawed over the answers.
Is it controlling to ask questions? No, but in his mind he feels very threatened and he doesn't like you to question him. Keep in mind, he thinks he knows everything and you are the dumb one. The more questions that you ask, the more he has to think about what he's done/doing and believe me, he's not happy doing that. He's not sure whether he's ready to completely end the relationship w/you or not. Just as a child is learning to walk, they want independence to do so, but want mom near by just in case they are ready to fall and mom will catch them. The more you question him, the more confused and aggravated you are going to get. You are expecting him to answer your questions like a rational person...he's not.
Please call a professional about the refinancing and the PMI and don't rely on your h or the person he spoke with. You need to get your own information because you do not know what he's told this person. We have to assume that he's not planning to return any time soon and you need to have a plan in place if that is the case.
Please stop all relationship talks with him. The more you push, the harder he is going to pull away. I know you want answers right this minute, but you aren't going to get them. He's on the Mother Ship and it's going to take a very long time before he returns to earth as a rational and mature adult who knows what he wants at the end of the day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm thinking about the ridiculous conversation I had last night. It was so not worth giving up part of my evening for it. I barely had time with my kids and I went to bed way too late. I'm going to pay all day today. I really wish I would have stuck to my plan to keep it business-like and avoid R talk. I knew in my gut I wasn't ready. I don't feel emotionally set back, which is good, but I showed my H more of them same, whether I was justified or not, so that moved us backward. We have business to take care of so I need to handle the next contact differently. It's so hard to be patient and except where we are. So many of you are so good at it.
golf mom, I'll share a little something w/you...we all learned the hard way, just as you are. We all tried to have relationship conversations w/them. Don't beat yourself up over this incident...but from here on out, until you are stronger, use email as your choice of communication. Besides, you need the writen word for documentation, if you ever should need evidence of any type during your separation/divorce, as well as for a reference if you have questions later on.
You need to remind yourself over and over again, that when you are discussing business, leave the personal issues out of it. I hate to say this, but when the word divorce enters the picture, all personal chats are tabled and you have to now look at the partnershp as business. Think of it this way, a partner has broken an agreement and you, as the other partner, now need to take care of your business alone.
You will become good at dealing w/your h once you learn to accept him for who he is right now because he is different in many ways and you do not know him any longer. He is a stranger is your h's body, an alien, someone you can't trust when it comes to "money". Put your business hat on when you are communicating w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
