Thank you for the rest of the "rope" story, Sandi. It makes total sense, and if you recall, it's exactly what happened the last time I went deep into LRT....stopped communicating....traveled a little bit. She became very suspicious and asked a lot of questions. Before you know it, we were back in MC. When I started "trying" again she eventually froze-up over time all over again. So here I am again.
I am dropping dropping the rope 1.) because I want to and 2.) I am short on options that still leave me with a shred of dignity. A few close female friends saw the heated e-mail she sent me yesterday and think that in a few days she will start feeling bad about it because it was a heated over-reaction. Frankly, I don't know if she will or won't - I just know that there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her after that.
It sux, because every thread of my moral fiber wants to talk to her...wants to make her NOT mad at me....wants her to want to work on things - but she is going to do what she wants to do regardless of my level of desire or participation.
Perhaps it was devine timing, but I had a psych appointment yesterday. I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right. Considering my w is on the rollercoaster right now - there is no way for me to remain mentally healthy and still follow/care about what she feels towards me. I have got to break that cycle.
She can leave, hell - she HAS. And I do not say this egotisictially because I KNOW that I have my issues to work on - but I think she is bailing out too fast and may have regrets someday. I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it. We DID love each other once - and I still do love and care for her deeply. I just can't keep going in the direction I was. It is going to hurt like hell, but I have got to drop that rope and not look back. I hope I can muster the strength to do it. I hope someday she finds the desire to come back.
