Here's the lesson I learned about how civilized human beings brought up with good values react to their desire to do someting instrinsically wrong, like an A, or maybe some other thing like trying out drugs (both real life and condensed from reading stuff here and elsewhere)
1. They at first fight it (because they know it's wrong intrinsically)
2. They can't fight it so they start fantisizing about it, and start justifying why it is OK, alhtough inside them they are not fully convinced. (Yep. It is taboo, which only heightens the fantasy)
3. They do it anyway, just a little, maybe hoping they can get away with it, and nobody will be hurt. (If they already know this is a hard boundary with you, and they CARE about you (and don't want your pre-stated consequences to kick in), I would contend that this applies a "stigma" to doing it, and makes them less likely to try it to begin with. A spouse who has always strongly stated "Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me; if you ever cheat on me, I WILL divorce you" is just an example (and I happen to believe it doesn't HAVE to be, and I fought through it myself, and am glad I did), but I do think the prestated boundary helps squash the behavior before it ever starts . . . SOMETIMES.
4. They get caught, and this is when they start believing the rationalizations and justifications they made.
5. Pride comes in, and they defend their actions. At this point, they don't care who gets hurt. They don't see others getting hurt. When others try to make them see what they did wrong, they fight back and rebel. Or, the hurt party reminds (or states for the first time) them of their boundary, what the consequences are for violating it, and the "misbehaving" party -- believing the consequence (because their spouse has shown in the past a consistency here, and he knows she MEANS it) -- pulls back from the abyss.
***You can't "make someone see what they did wrong" -- you can only remind them of YOUR boundary! It's the difference between saying "You must end your affair" and saying "Look, you're an adult and you can do whatever you wish, but know that I will not remain in a marriage where I am ANYONE'S second choice."
6. They realize that they hurt others, but still prideful, they carry on. They may stop doing what they did but they are still justifying that it was not wrong. Guilt mixed with pride. Or, they believe that the consequence WILL be applied (for example, their betrayed spouse will divorce them), and they weigh the consequence against the fun and "feels good" of their behavior, and they come to their senses and stop the crap behavior.
7. Acceptance of what they did wrong. Making amends and repartions. Might be too late, especially if they had cut ties. RECONCILIATION, where BOTH parties have to address their roles in the prior marital dysfunction that led to the wayward behavior to begin with.
I don't disagree with your cycle, as you describe it Angel. That CAN be the way it goes. But the way you have it written is almost entirely FEELINGS based ... EMOTION based. There is a way to learn to place calm, loving, yet FIRM boundaries in place in our lives so that others can then CHOOSE to live within them, or face losing us.
If you want to read further on it, "Boundaries," by Cloud & Townsend, is considered THE best book on the subject.
