Do you see the conflict between these two statements:
" I have two failed marriages, and am a recovering alcoholic..."
" The inherent stress in doing that made me turn to alcohol ..."
What about this pair:
" I am not minimizing my abuse. I own it, I did it, as a result of it and wanting to talk to the OM I spent a night in jail for it. How the hell am I minimizing it now?"
"I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE DISCARDED FOR A HANDFUL OF INSTANCES OF ALCOHOL INDUCED DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH"
If you are fully in recovery, you don't blame drinking that led to abuse on things that "made" you do it.
If you own the abuse, you don't call it "diarrhea of the mouth."
FWIW, there is a lot of entitlement in your choice of words.
No one is entitled to the love of another person. Abusive people may change and recover and relationships may heal, but abusers don't "deserve" support from the persons they abused.
I think you are pushing back now and relaxing back into your comfort zone. You could push forward instead to a breakthrough... Just a thought.
BTW, I think you might find this book very useful: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and FeelGreat Again [Paperback] Jeffrey E. Young
