You are so right KD. I have heard everything my H said, agreed that I needed to make some changes, apologized and asked for forgiveness. I have read a lot so that I can come to terms with my abandonment issues, etc. I'm definitely a work in progress, but am quite confident that I'm not the woman he left. Unfortunately, although he has acknowledged that he was more than 50% (his perception, not mine) responsible for the breakdown of our marriage and has said that he forgives me for my shortcomings, he still spews at me. It's almost as if he has to keep his resentment alive in order for him to continue self justifying. He knows he left a good woman. He used to brag to his friends about me. I may have contributed to his breakdown (I'm not perfect) but this really is all about him. Can you tell today is better than yesterday? I have my head screwed on straight.
Snodderly, I am so much better. I felt such deep grief yesterday and really didn't sleep well, but somehow today I have regained perspective and a little bit of happiness. Thank you for checking in!
And yes, he DOES have to keep his resentment going... again, just understand that you are the target of choice... in all fairness, that's the "honour" of the LBS... because most others, they don't even give the time of day to, unless those people somehow serve the MLCer and therefore the MLCer considers them a friend...
One of the hardest things I think for the LBS is to keep THEIR empathy chip in check... and with all the spew, that's hard to do...
and especially for those of us who have children with the MLCer... except in extreme and well planned sitches, it's impossible to be N/C, so we often have to put ourselves out on the shooting range...
But I think that also gives us opportunities to adjust our flame suits... I find that my suit is now capable of protecting me to at least 10,000 degrees...
KD, I haven't developed the thick skin that I need when dealing with my H. He isn't always spewing, but just communicating with him brings the pain of rejection to the surface. I really want to get to the point where I am mostly unphased by him. I want his interactions with me to be pleasant and demonstrate the changes that I've made. I can do it some days, but not when I'm feeling sad, lonely or angry. I really admire those on this board who can hide their feeling and act "as if" when communicating with their WS. The best I've been able to do is set boundries and block him from contacting me which actually might be interpreted as hiding by my H. I may need to rethink that as I evolve during this process. My H did mention to our son that it's hard for him to contact me since he's blocked. He's still obsessing over the house refi and that's been his only real reason for communication. Of course, he can call on the home phone, but he doesn't seem to have the courage to do it.
Hi GM. I think you are doing wonderful considering. It is painful. It is difficult. It will have your emotions see-sawsing all over the place. It's a thrill ride you didn't ask for... Something to consider as you move forward when you wonder if it was you. A realtionship is a choice. It is where two imperfect parties work through their issues. Nations do it. Groups do it. People do it.
Were you perfect? No, of course not. Was it that life was unbearable with you? No, of course not. Were you the reason he left? Absolutely not!
He is unwilling or unable to work through issues with you. Possibly with anyone. That is not the same as you being the reason he left. I'm sure he loved you and may possibly still. His grief will look weird to you because you don't see the rest of the story.
Wait for it. Understand it is not you. Understand there was nothing more you could have done.
About the grief. We as people need figure out how much grief we can take at a time. How much we can process at any given time. It differs for everyone. Having something like running to help? It helps. It gives us a break from the constant grief.
In my experience, you need more than just one relief valve such as running. You'll need a few of them over time and I recommend you search for those things. Your kids need you. You need you. You won't be any good to them if you are toast on the side of the road.
Find the things that help you get a break from time to time. They may not be the same things as before, but they will be there as you find them. As you need them. Keep looking.
Be good!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you, AJ. I really needed the reminder that this isn't all my fault. Maybe if I read it and hear enough times I'll really believe it. One lesson I've learned through all of this (actually one of The Four Agreements) is always do your best. You will then avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret. I read this many years ago and I guess applied it to every area of my life accept my marriage. I know I was a great wife in more ways than not, but I definitely could have worked better at being a partner (that's true for both of us, but I can only be responsible for my shortcomings).
At the moment, I'm really working hard at letting go of my H, our family as I knew it and the dream. It seems impossible. When people say they've healed and moved on, have they really? I can't imagine that day.
You haven't healed yet, GM. You haven't moved on yet. But you are defining the things you need to tackle which is very positive. You seem to still be doing the post-mortem of the marriage. That's fine, but keep in mind you can only do so much before you need to be satisfied you know your part and the things you don't like about you (i.e. want to change about you FOR you.) There's no blueprint. We can only deal with what we can deal with at the time. No more than that. It takes as long as it does. For now, you broke things down. You said you could have been a better partner. What does that look like going forward? You mentioned letting go of the dream, the family as you knew it, and your H. I suggest you not tackle them all at once. Pick one. My suggestion is to pick the dream of family as you knew it. Take a week or so to grieve that and get past just that. Leave the rest for later. Then go back and pick something else. I suggest "the dream" as the next one. Don't go after them all at once. No magic pill. Just facing things as they are and making decisions you won't regret based on that reality and what you know and who you are.
I know. I've been there, GM. I tried to swallow the elephant all at once. Didn't work. One at a time though... then I could deal and face reality vs. what I wanted things to be.
It was my path out of the h*** I put myself in because I chose to avoid the reality and to be consumed by it for a long time. It led to forgiveness and truly letting go of things I could not control. Accepting things as they are vs. what I wanted to believe them to be.
Freedom from the pain and anger.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ok, this has me scratching my head. Just received another email from my H (he sent it from work since that address isn't blocked) regarding refinancing. It's been several weeks since I've heard from him about it, but apparently he's still putting a lot of energy into it. The gist of it is this, the rate is great and he says WE will save quite a bit right now. The downside is the loan has PMI, but when that goes away in five years WE will save X. What??? Is this the same man who filed for D? I don't see us doing anything in five years. Is this an indication that he's thinking about reconciling or what? His payments to me won't change, not even while the divorce is pending, so why is he putting so much effort into this? He's a smart guy, especially when it comes to finance (that's his background) so he knows that unless we are together he doesn't benefit. He also left me a message giving me a heads up about his email saying not to fret, it's good news. Then he went on to explain what was in the email, using WE throughout. I need to respond, but not right away. After so many days with NC I have finally been able to laugh again after almost six months. I don't want to backslide. Also, it's in the back of my mind that his lease is up next month and I've been wondering what he plans on doing.
From what I have read, "we" statements are good, but don't put too much into them...in my sitch the "we" statements and "future" things started in late March, and there has been behaviors to match, my gut says that this is good, that she hasn't made up her mind to end the M.
What does YOUR intuition say?
But idk...definitely keep no expectations as they can/will change in a flash because...well, because...they do that.
Take care of you and the kids, and I totally understand the Friday thing...tired from work, keeping life running (somewhat), the stress of the sitch and wanting resolution, and missing my partner in crimes both good and fun...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
