Do not bring up the anniversary or give her the present. and don't gamble/trick her into a date. That is the exact opposite of giving her space. Like I said before, you're not reognizing the anniversary of the first marriage.
How was that scene you described with the anniversary date wager going to play out? She was going to agree to the bet, show surprise when you pulled out the certificate, say 'oh gee now I have to go on a date with you,' and then on the date realize how wrong she's been about everything all along and reconcile with you? Or would she be extremely po'd that you were so arrogantly insistent on being right and pressuring her for a date she did not want to be on?
You seem to do superficial thinking on things and then act or react rashly without full judgment. Example - dating someone because your w was - childish and likely only to hurt your situation. Example - trying to get people here to get over your past because you have already put it behind you - perhaps your unfortunate word choices are suggesting that your work hasn't been completed on a deep level. You argue every point, and whine that you seem to do nothing right according to the other posters here, you are soooo defensive. Rather than trying to prove to the other posters that they are wrong and you are better than sliced bread, how about letting your guard down, letting the words sink in, and looking for where you might begin to heal yourself. The self-esteem is a good place to start.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
One thing I am trying to get you to see is your problem with monogamy and honesty. Just because things go a certain way doesn't mean you don't have a problem.
-- It is good that you plan to end your R with 25 y.o. That does not change the fact that she was having a sexual relationship with a married man who she did not know was actively working on trying to reconcile with his W by consulting with therapists and posting multiple times a day on a discussion board. (not "merely having thoughts", again minimizing what is going on...)
-- Great, you didn't miss the anniversary you didn't plan on celebrating. Yet you believed you forgot it and told your W over and over that you didn't forget. You misled her. This counts as lying. It does not matter if you were both mistaken about the facts. You believed one thing and told her the opposite.
-- You often blame external circumstances for your unwise choice.
--You twist what you hear to make it fit what you want to believe. For instance, the problem with the rape thing is not that you don't know all the details. It is that W told you she was raped and you discount, distrust, and minimize her trauma without, evidently, having any reason to do so.
-- You fail to treat the women in your life as though you respect or value them. Until you respect and value them, you will not have a successful relationship. Until you respect and value yourself, you will not respect or value them. To respect and value yourself, you need to work on yourself.
As for your stepson, I would strongly advise you to be sure that you have W's consent before you take her child somewhere when she specifically said she did not want you to do things with them. If someone took my kid in such circumstances, that would end any possibility of reconciliation.
You have been in the kids' lives for only a year as a stepfather and since August as someone their mother plans to divorce. It really is going behind your W's back to ask SS to do something with you. You are bypassing her. That is going behind her back and is inappropriate. And, my guess is that your DB coach was in someway unaware of the dynamic when she suggested you make plans with SS without his mother's consent, and in particular, against her clearly expressed instruction to not do things with her children.
AprilT, Brit45, adinva, and oltimer thank you again.
I appreciate your feedback I am going to heed the advice of letting some of the words sink in. I am not tying to portray myself as the best thing since sliced bread. I'm 38, I have two failed marriages, and am a recovering alcoholic. I have a good job and make a lot of money which helps me validate myself as a person. I have done a lot more good things for my W and stepkids than I have bad. Nobody on this message board or anywhere else for that matter is going to convince me otherwise. I made mistakes in my marriage, but I truly do not deserve what I have been through in the past 8 months. My W should have been supportive of me instead of throwing me away. People keep ragging me because I talk about the things I did for her. She was a bankrupt single mother of 3 with the children sharing one bedroom. I AM NOT SAYING THAT LOOKING DOWN HER THAT IS FACT. IIIIII got them out of that situation, ME. The inherent stress in doing that made me turn to alcohol in the wrong way a few times and as a result I said things I shouldn't have said. IN SPITE OF THIS GIVEN EVERYTHING I DID FOR THEM I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE DISCARDED FOR A HANDFUL OF INSTANCES OF ALCOHOL INDUCED DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH. Nobody is going to convince me otherwise of that either. I am a genuinely a nice guy and have a large circle of friends who would do anything for me, and I in turn would give them the shirt off my back.
I've had therapists. They don't help. I suggested to them that I may be narcissist or sociopath but they say I'm not. I go to church and pray, that helps some but apparently not enough. I read books too obviously but that doesn't help either. I'm trying to do the right thing, starting by ending the R with the 25yo.
My W called me today and we had a nice conversation, she was laughing and jovial, which is good considering the situation with my sister. She asked me how much the flowers were and I told her not to worry about it. Then she took the otherwise fun jovial conversation into the alley by saying "oh but you'll get mad about it in a month when we're not dating. That's always what you do when you help me financially you throw it back up in my face." I responded, it's been nice talking to you, no need to end on a sour note. I can understand how you feel that way, I guess we'll have to see what happens. I hope your sister continues to improve and I hope you have a good weekend.
We've had nothing but positive interactions for roughly a month. Last negative exchange was mid-April. That roughly a month includes some dark time.
I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because it's working. The "when we're not dating in a month" statement hurts but believe nothing they say and only 50% of you read right.
So I'm going to take some time off and see if I can figure myself out. And I sincerely appreciate the feedback on my sitch, I have been provided many things to reflect on and I will spend some time doing so.
Thanks again to you all and good luck in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
She helped you out with that comment. It's insight into her perception of what happened in your relationship. She apparently sees you differently than you see yourself, and that SUXX and it HURTS but if you want to reconcile it is pure gold to find that stuff out.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I forgot to mention it's UNFAIR too. Did your momma ever tell you, life is not fair? (We are all in situations *most* of us don't deserve to be in, and we are trying to help you....)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Do you see the conflict between these two statements:
" I have two failed marriages, and am a recovering alcoholic..."
" The inherent stress in doing that made me turn to alcohol ..."
What about this pair:
" I am not minimizing my abuse. I own it, I did it, as a result of it and wanting to talk to the OM I spent a night in jail for it. How the hell am I minimizing it now?"
"I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE DISCARDED FOR A HANDFUL OF INSTANCES OF ALCOHOL INDUCED DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH"
If you are fully in recovery, you don't blame drinking that led to abuse on things that "made" you do it.
If you own the abuse, you don't call it "diarrhea of the mouth."
FWIW, there is a lot of entitlement in your choice of words.
No one is entitled to the love of another person. Abusive people may change and recover and relationships may heal, but abusers don't "deserve" support from the persons they abused.
I think you are pushing back now and relaxing back into your comfort zone. You could push forward instead to a breakthrough... Just a thought.
BTW, I think you might find this book very useful: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and FeelGreat Again [Paperback] Jeffrey E. Young
While it seems like people are ganging up on you? They really are trying to help you.
A failed marriage is seldom ever one sided. While you take responsibility for some of it, good, are you taking responsibility for your fair share of it?
When you hang out here long enough...its like an AA meeting, you become pretty certain of of what a person is or isn't REALLY saying despite the words that are coming out of their mouth. Like how you know someones story and the problems they are facing or not facing...intentionally.
A person who is busy defending themselves...isn't really listening. They are arguing.
If there is no basis or reason to defend yourself? You don't even have to.
Anything that stings/bugs you? You owe it to yourself to examine, and figure out why it bothers you. Not lash out.
If you call me fat? And I wasn't ok with it? I'd be mad at you...because I'm mad at myself, for being fat.
If I'm ok with it? No problem.
If I'm not ok with it but I'm doing something about it? No problem either.
If I'm skinny? No problem because there is no basis.
On that note...or those notes.
Certain things draw attention here and defending actions/habit/insert something is one of them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
i am not trying to gang up on you. the stuff you have said about your drinking, you might want to explore. drinking is an escape mechanism. some people can do it, and benefit. others can not. when you drank to ecape your stress, it came out negatively. no benefit. i understand how you feel. because it didnt happen al the time, it shouldnt be such a big deal. because it did happen that way, it is a big deal. to your W, SC maybe. it should be to you, if you really think you are an alcoholic.
not going to meetings because you have better stuff to do is a warning flag. maybe you dont think you have a problem. that is fine. i am not saying you do. missing meetings is the way to surely end up back where you were. generally in a worse sitch. when you dont go, it is not recovery. it is avoiding problems. alot like drinking is avoiding problems. in order to put stuff in perspective for myself, i look at it like this.. working my program is like setting up dominoes. one little slip and they all come crashing down. the dominoes are things in my life i want. the slips are things i am doing to hurt my recovery.
i do not know anything about saving a marriage. i do know about being a drunk/ drug addict. now i am really learning about being a person who is truly in recovery. nobody trusts a drunk. no matter what you say, buy or ty to show them. they only trust if they see you actually recovering. sometimes they will never trust again.
i really am in your corner broken. i only say these things because that has been me for a long time.
Advina, oldtimer, and jackthreebeans, thank you again.
I know everyone here is trying to help, sometimes the truth hurts. The things that folks have shared in the past couple of days hold a lot of water and have really made me think. I've got a lot of thinking and reflecting to do and thanks for the book reccomendation old timer that sounds like one I will pick up. I think the way I say things gets me in trouble sometimes in many aspects of life. I was going to say that my W used to take things the wrong way a lot. I guess I should say in non-argumentative conversation I would say things that sometimes upset my wife. Communication was a challenge for us, maybe a lot of that is me.
I really at am a loss for words right now which is rare. I know for a fact my heart has changed. Our problems didn't start until I started drinking after we got married. I had stopped entirely during our engagement (12/09 to 5/10) and things were great. If my W would give me another chance I know for a fact I will once again be the man of her dreams with significant upgrades, and will be the best stepfather I can be. I know I have a lot of things to figure out still and don't know exactly how to do that but I'm going to figure it out.
I'm very happy that my wife called me today, and that we are speaking civilly to one another. I told her I would leave her be so she could support her sister but to let me know if anything changes or if I can help with anything, that I enjoyed talking to her and hope we would get to speak again soon. I haven't heard her laugh since August, and she was really laughing and smiling on the phone today, it made me break down after we hung up.
Although I am still a mess I feel my sitch is in the best place it has been since it started. For that I am very thankful and hopeful.
Thank you all again for your support I hope your sitch's improve as well.
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
