My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Things are going well. H was a bit crabby again yesterday on the drive home (he hates the traffic), but I just tuned him out and enjoyed the ride home, relaxed with the window down as the weather is lovely here lately (which rarely happens, especially during this time of year). If he is cranky again today, I'll offer to drive home. There's some construction going on, but it doesn't really bother me. Maybe that will put him in a better mood. If he wants to drive, I'll just relax and tune him out again.

I'm still letting my most recent IC session sit and marinate on my brain. A lot of what she said made sense. We also discussed improving myself (which is part of my GAL). She didn't really seem to think that dieting was a good thing at this point for me. She said that if it wasn't 100% successful, it would just be something else to beat myself up over. I kind of agree with her. I don't think I could be successful at it right now. I'm trying to do what is right with my health and my body, and if I lose weight, great. But I'm not going to focus on weight loss right now. I do feel pretty bad about myself. I talk a good talk about being confident and independent and happy with myself, but the bottom line is that I hate who I am. I don't even like myself. I don't care for myself because I don't think I'm worth it. I know that a lot of this stems from the abuse, but I really feel that I'm deeply flawed on an intrinsic level.

I talked with her about how I didn't like the term "survivor". I know that the technical term for people like me is "adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse" (which is a mouthful), but said that I hated that term. I mean, 6 year olds don't kill themselves. I didn't have to fight off bears. The IC said it was worse than fighting off bears because bears are a known threat, the person who hurt me was insidious and manipulative, which emotionally hurts more. It made some sense to me, but I don't want this to be the one thing in my life that defines who I am as a person. I guess this is why I have to go to IC. Just wishing it away isn't working. I'm more than what that man did to me as a child. I'm much more than that. I don't really know who I am, but I know I'm not just a d@mn victim.

This is a bit off topic for DB-ing, but it is about improving who I am. I'll get there eventually. I'll become a woman H would be crazy to leave. But I've got to do it honestly and with integrity to the process or it will be fake. I'm not just going out and getting a hair cut and meeting H in the doorway dressed in cellophane to revive my marriage. I'm becoming the woman he deserves as a wife. It's up to him to become the man I deserve as a husband.