ok, thought I was done but just one more thing and then I am done, for now...
I hope this puts things into perspective on a WAS type / LBS work results case basis:
MLC = (sometimes) some bizarre stuff and the LBS is pretty much to blame for everything... words like "always", "never", "you did", "you didn't", "I'm doing great", "you are messed up", "I've accepted", "you're in denial"... continuous projection and blame is par for the course... major re-writes of history occur. There will be NO sharing of feelings allowed in either direction. Very little to no empathy apparent from the MLCer to the LBS.
LBS work = Nothing the LBS does will matter during the MLC to directly affect positive change in M, let alone the MLCer. The results of the positive changes in the LBSer will be for the benefit of their own life, regardless of what happens... and possibly have positive effect in the R of the two some time in the distant future... how ever that might look... the LBS MUST understand and accept that the M may not survive this situation...
WAS (without transition) = The spouse feels they have been pulling the load far too long. They don't feel their needs are getting met and they want to get D and move on with their life... Complaints by the WAS of the LBS are valid, provable, and unhealthy for a M... in THEIR M... clear logic exists, even if it is not obvious. Pretty much everything in their life remains status quo because they are happy with life, just not their M nor spouse. They MAY re-write history to some degree, in order to feel a little less guilty and more justified for moving on without their spouse. There may be responsible actions and language as well as apologies and empathy, but their minds are made up.
LBS work = Anything the LBS does to "fix" themselves as per the valid complaints of the WAS will benefit the LBS and may have (relatively) immediate affect on the R and may result in the survival of the M if the positive changes continue, are consistent, and habitual...
WAS (with transition) = Life is passing the WAS by and they feel somewhat out of control of their life and their destiny. Although there are things that were bad in the M according to the WAS, it wasn't ALL bad. It is just that there is depression involved (an underlying aspect of transition and MLC) and so there is a sense of hopelessness in the WAS that things will never be as good as they want... or they deserve... they begin to remake themselves and that might mean having to leave the M... many changes of someone in transition will be subtle adjustments... more like course corrections... they are all independent of their spouse... most adult responsibilities are maintained in an appropriate way...
LBS work = Anything the LBS does to "fix" themselves as per the valid complaints of the WAS will benefit the LBS and may have (relatively) immediate affect on the R... but like MLC, the WAS must GO THROUGH the transition. That means that while the R is civil and maybe even friendly... the LBS is left to live in limbo. Only once the WAS has gone through most of the transition, while they are in the process of re-integrating the aspects of the life they want to keep, will the WAS consider keeping the LBS... this will likely be a direct result of how the LBS grew and conducted themselves during the WAS transition.
NB: In ANY of the above cases, it appears quite consistent that there WILL be a revisit of the R and the M in the future. It is just a matter of when. AND in the cases where the M does not survive (and maybe it should not, at least not in it's past form) there may be a new R form and possibly even a new (literally) M.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
zig, you're the one that asked...
I hope you don't mind if I invite others / vets to review and clean up the above here, on your thread...
