I may be a believer of the "Love is Decision" thing as well, as it worked on me, but if others are skeptical, and I see my H is one of those, I am not going to force it on them. Not to say that he won't believe it, as it seemd like after Retrouvaille it was something he did feel gave him hope in our M and he actually said he needed my help in making it happen. But what help did I give? Instead of showing him patience, kindness, and all of that good stuff that you read about in the Bible, I pushed him, reading the "Love Dare" to him, setting up times to pray, do R talk, etc. like an eager beaver. And getting mad at him when he did not respond, accusing him of not trying, telling him things like "I might as well cut my losses now and leave". It only served to push him away, to look at me and probably think "is that the kind of love this book, this idea, is all about?"
I don't know if you have read that book either, or wherever you have learned that concept, but nowhere does it say that if you make the decision to love, that you have to expect or make it a conditional thing....
The thing about loving and yet being yourself is that you don't even see things as "crumbs". My H is a good father, he is a good provider, he had to grapple with feelings for others but so far has come out of it without giving in to his physical desires (and I do believe that if he really pushed it he could have had a PA with OW), he has and is trying to feel something for me (he did say if there was a magic pill he could take that would make him fall in love with me he would take it), but he still has not realized that the magic pill is just simply his decision to love. And perhaps, if I were just patient and stop doing the stuff that pushes him away, and also really work on exemplifying the kind of love that God wants us to have, then it will happen. BUt in the meantime, I am not hanging my hat on that, and will just continue living my life as it pleases me to do so.
And when the time comes for recommitment, it does not have to be verbal or written, because in many cases, I have read about spouses promising such and such yet still backsliding. Actions will have to speak louder than words at that time.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
And Starsky, not all people who go here need challenge, sometimes they go here to vent, to journal, to share their thoughts, to be validated....
I learn a lot from other people's sitches and how they think.
You are a typical male, always "fixing"!!!!!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
And Starsky, not all people who go here need challenge, sometimes they go here to vent, to journal, to share their thoughts, to be validated....
I learn a lot from other people's sitches and how they think.
You are a typical male, always "fixing"!!!!!
Well, that I am, but I believe that the proper forum etiquette in those situations is for the OP to label them as such -- "just venting" or whatever, and they specifically say that they are NOT seeking advice or help. If someone doesn't say that, I assume they're here seeking help, especially when their situations have been in limbo for so long.
In any event, I will leave you alone, as I only seem to aggravate you and that certainly wasn't my intent. My normal "M.O." is to not intervene where people are content with their sitches (even if I disagree with the methods), but your posts cycle from a calm "I'm content with the way things are" to a distraught "this isn't working for me!" and then back again.
Starsky
P.S. You can tell your husband that there IS a sort of "magic pill" for helping with re-attraction to one's spouse. It's called "NO CONTACT WITH OW", and it's pretty much a medical/physiological fact that it works.
I just wanted to remark that I think it would be worth investigating your strong reaction to Starsky's comments. In my experience, when someone accuses us of something we know isn't true about us, we shrug and brush it off; if we become defensive and feel the need to prove those comments were off base ... then those comments are triggering emotions we haven't come to terms with.
I think this would be an excellent opportunity to explore further.
Point taken, Starsky. Next time I will label my posts: Insight only, venting only, journaling....
I admit, I am defensive, Cyrena. My D said that one thing irritating about me is that I have an answer to everything...something like a know it all attitude.. and it IS one of the things that I need to change, thats true.
I did try not to react but after several posts I sort of lost it.....
As for H, I am no going to feed him ideas, or tell him to do things a certain way. It has to come from him, his own decision.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Darn it. I hope I have not said something that has made you feel uncomfortable to vent here. I get it, that this is a safe place for us to be.
I do know one thing and that is this, last summer when I felt all hope was lost, I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life. When my h was falling away from me and our d, when he was spouting off hateful things, and acting out I knew that I could not do much against that but DB and pray.
I gave it all to God somewhere in mid August and told him to please help me get through this, and to speak to my H's heart and take care of him. To help our little family over come all of this.
I prayed without ceasing, and I watched changes start to slowly take place in H around middle of Sept. It took him many weeks before he would be ready to work on the M, even though he was standing at the end of the tunnel, peeking out.
I know that I'm lucky that my H cycled through this faster than others, but the pain, the fear, the heart break are the same experiences I read here.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't think there is much we can do to help them step out of that tunnel.
It's so frustrating when they peek out or even step out for awhile. There have been a few instances where I can see my h set one foot back into the tunnel for a few days, and I do hate those days but I have to step back and let him be. Just let him breathe and deal with his stuff without hovering, questioning, or asking. It's sooo hard not to do that.
Exactly, Ctflor--nothing we do will help move them through the tunnel, and it's controlling to think we can. The MLCer is, after all, dealing with a serious depression which must run its course.
But in retrospect, doesn't it seem a gift to have been given time to rewrite your own history by becoming a person who is no longer ruled by past traumas, losses, fears, etc, but is truly living? My favourite thing about this site are the insights of people who have become wise, compassionate and "real" through their time here....
We cannot control their desire or their timing in coming out of their own tunnel. We can only control what we will allow them to do to us when we're in ours.
"We can only control what we will allow them to do to us when we're in ours"
I don't think you know the meaning of "let go". Letting go, dropping the rope, detaching - means that whatever they do will no longer affect you.
And if you wish to leave,it because its your choice and not because of something they do.
And that is when they realize that they no longer have power over you.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
